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100 things... Part 2

by HijabMan :: posted 5 June 06

50. I was once the only male member of Smith College’s MSA. I even participated in their big sister-little sister program, only I was a big brother. My “little sister” was a 7 year old. I found the community of Muslim women to be much more relaxed and welcoming than the group at my large state university. As a result, and after some initial awkwardness, I found myself having about 30 sisters. I also found myself with lots of free food (Thank you Smith college dining services!). Alhamdulillah times 3
51. I dream of visiting Lakshadweep. It is one of the only matrilocal societies in the world. It’s also Muslim.
52. I had a crush on Eponine in the Broadway rendition of Les Miserables. Her name is Jessica Snow-Wilson. I was 10. Maybe she’ll read this and respond. That would be fun.
53. I could get lost in Robert Jordan’s wheel of time series.
54. A few times, I put on a wet suit (which feels super cool by the way) and Scuba dived in the Red Sea. I prefer snorkeling, cause I like swimming with the fishies at the surface.
55. I listened to Bach’s Brandenburgh on repeat when I studied Arabic in Syria.
56. I need a tennis partner that is better than I am. I’m decent. Any takers?
57. I’ve cleaned at least two public toilets. I wouldn’t have had a problem with that, except that I didn’t have a fun toilet brush and that under-the-rim toilet cleaner (My favorite is toilet duck).
58. The only place Ive ever gotten sunburn was in Mecca, on my head, in a geometric pattern, after wearing a knit cap. Then, a big Yemeni-British man exclaimed, “Bruva, you’ve got-tha United Nashuns on yer head!”
59. I made some balloon animals for kids in the middle of the desert and they didn’t seem too impressed. Maybe the dog just didn’t go over too well. Remind me to learn how to make the more-likely-halal balloon cats.
60. Shaykh Abdullah Adhami knows me as the shady balloon guy. I don’t mind.
61. I just picked up my high school diploma about 5 months ago. It’s been 6 years since I’ve graduated. I never attended my graduation because I graduated early and walked out one day. My last 5 months of high school I played video games in the library.
62. 6th grade was the first time and the second time I punched someone. The 2nd time the kids name was Freddie Fisher (I know, it’s out of a Wonder Years episode). We were in woodshop and he put my bookbag in the sink. Then, outside, he pulled me down by the bookbag. By this time, a crowd had formed. So as he was busy celebrating, I called out his name and then sucker punched him in the face. That was the end of that.
63. My first job was at a department store where I sold name brand clothing like Ralph Lauren, Nautica, Clairborne, etc. At that job I wore the same suit everyday. By the end, the only thing holding it together was safety pins.
63.5 A couple of my first customers were two 14 year old girls who wandered out of the women’s department and put about 10 pieces of lacey lingerie on cash register in front of me. After a moment of shock, I quickly threw the stuff in a bag, struggling after wondering how/if to fold the thongs, and how/if to take off the hangers?
64. I went on a 14 day hike/canoe/rockclimb in Northern Maine on an Outward Bound trip. There, I drank beaver poo’ed in water, swam in a leech infested pond, and spent 2 days alone on my own island. I also “held it” for 6 days, until I couldn’t hold it any longer. Afterwards I was quite comfortable “wiping” with rocks and [smooth] sticks.
65. When the latest Iraq invasion took place, I was in Cairo on the rooftop of a building in Tahrir square watching protesters clash with riot police, throwing rocks between them. It was wild.
66. My first roommate in college was into the drug scene. I made it clear from the beginning however, that I’d prefer that he keep all of that stuff outside. Nevertheless I became quite acquainted with terms like candy flipping, hippie flipping, and how some people drink bottles of cough syrup to get high. There would be nights when he would come home afraid of the world, and then realize 15 minutes later that it was only a hallucination. There were also nights that I was in the company of people doing all sorts of drugs.
67. He looked like the mainstream medias portrayal of Jesus (peace be upon him). At the same time, I was growing out my hair and beard. One day we came home and we found a bumper sticker on our door. “Honk if you think I’m Jesus.”
68. My first demonstration was an anti-biotech protest that my sister took me to.
69. At one point when I was without air conditioning, I kept these in the freezer and slept with them to keep me cool.
70. There was a time when I biked 10+ miles a day. I miss that time. I prefer living in cities near bodies of water.
71. I took my first women’s studies class as a first-semester 1st year college student. It was a 3rd year level course, and I was the only person of color, the only male, and the only underclass-person. Basically, I was in a room full of white women 2-3 years my senior. The class was titled Historical Construction of Sexuality in the Middle East.
72. The annual “Islam in America” conference at Harvard makes me drool.
73. I’d really like to learn how to use a pottery wheel, and make bowls and vases. Who wants to give me free lessons.
74. Kissed a garage door at age 7 in a mock wedding. No more details available on that one, guys. It’s between me and the doo…. Ahhh nevermind.
75. Funny, somehow I hear the collective laughter from various countries across the world right now.
76. Funnel cake. You make it and, I love you.
77. I credit my father with for feeding my creative side. One day in elementary school, I was supposed to write a poem. He sat in front of the Apple II E computer while I sat crying, frustrated, and he asked me what the butterflies did (THEY FLUTTERED!), what the sun felt like against my skin (MMMM!!!), “What about the clouds, HijabMan?!” It clicked. “OH, so you ask questions, you SHOW not tell… OHH!”
78. On another day, a few years later I realized that the bedtime story my father told us about the two alien kids that visited earth (Ugloo and Pugloo) never changed. It was a disappointing day.
79. I’m convinced my father has supernatural abilities. Here is my list: 1. Knowing the name of the woman he was to marry before he met her. 2. Knowing who my brother was going to marry, before they met. 3. After watching A Beautiful Mind, he began to speak about light and how it acts as a particle and as a wave. Suddenly, all of the lights dimmed in the house for a good 2 seconds. He continued, “And HijabMan, you can think of infinite like this, you have a hotel room with an unlimited amount of rooms and they are all full. If another person wants a room, is there enough room for that person?” The lights dimmed again. “Beta (term of endearment), I swear, I didn’t do that.” “Stay grounded,” was his advice that night. The lights never dimmed again.
80. I love using a squeegee on car windshields, and marble/tile floors.
81. Violin music. I love violin music. Solos.
82. When I did something bad as a child, my dad would joke that he would sell me to the gypsies. I imagined a grocery store, and me being taken away in a shopping cart by women wearing head wraps like the one Yasmine wears.
83. During the Leonid meteor shower of 2002, I convinced a few people, including AzamHussain to take a taxi out to the Pyramids (I was in Cairo) and ride horses in the middle of the night while watching the meteors streak across the sky. Of course, I chickened out when push came to shove, and while AzamHussain felt like some sort of Afghan warrior riding a horse at full gallop around the pyramids , I laid on the roof of a nearby house next to the pyramids, watching the Leonids in solitude. Lesson: Do Not Fear Those Not Worthy Of Fear.
84. “Beta, maybe you should work out more, so you don’t get jumped in Cairo.” -My Mother
85. I like sneaking into medical school gross anatomy labs and looking at human insides. I had always been fascinated by anatomy, and had only dissected a mink, a sheep brain, a heart, a sheep’s eye, and things like that.
86. Fresh mozzarella = happiness. I’m a cheese man.
87. I used to work in a patisserie. The word “Batard” still makes me laugh.
88. To the international socialist organization: I don’t want your newspaper. And I ain’t paying no solidarity price either.
89. It was my first time opening the Ben and Jerry’s icecream store near the Upenn campus. My coworker was a no-show, and on this particular day, about 40 prospective students in a tour group waited patiently until I opened the door. Of course, they all wanted smoothies. 40 Smoothies, one person, 2 blenders. Not bad. Then, after making my first smoothie, I noticed that there is a live mouse in the sink in plain view of the students. I covered said mouse with one of the blender tops, and said a prayer, because I was about to dump a large quantity of sorbet and cold water on it. Now I only had one blender, and everytime I cleaned one blender out, I swished water around it, and had to throw it in the sink, on the mouse. After the students left, I locked the door, uncovered the mouse, and saw it barely shivering. Oppression is worse than death, the Qur’an confirms it, so in the name of God, I picked up the little mouse with wax paper, threw it in a plastic bag, and with one stomp, it was gone. Aoouthubillah !
90. I jumped off a 25 foot cliff into water. There was a moment when I stopped going forward and began falling. I don’t need to ever do that again.
91. I refuse to have a big, South Asian uncle-belly. I will work for the 6 pack.
92. While trying to hitchhike with two hijabis one woman stopped just to take pictures. Many laughed. The forest ranger offered some really dumb advice as well.
93. I will not apologize for the fact that my favorite genre of film is the romantic comedy. I also understand that I have now lost the few male friends I once had.
94. While planning a trip to Toronto, I emailed everyone I knew to find a place to crash. I have family in Toronto, but I’ve often found that I prefer strangers to family. So a woman belonging to an e-mail list (who recently ran for a government post in Canada) emailed me with the number of one of her female friends. I had no idea who this woman was, if she was married, what she was like, etc. I ended up ringing her doorbell with a box of ferrer rocher chocolates, and within a day or so I became part of the family: scrabble in the living room, helping to install their garage door opener, and hanging with their 3-4 year old. They are now some of my favorite people in the world. Love to H., M. and the Little M.! And extra love to I, for taking a risk and introducing me. If you like adventure and like making new friends, I highly suggest you try doing the same.
95. If you do a domain whois on hijabman.com you get “Yusef Ahmad.” That is not my real name.
96. Muhammad Asad’s translation of the Qur’an is my favorite.
97.When within the first 3 minutes of meeting her, I jumped in her car and saw that she had made friends (or enemies? But she was smiling) with the traffic cop, I knew Yasmine was a winner.
98.I really want a room in my house that looks like Jeannie’s bottle, or at least that is just cushions
99.At the local YMCA, I took swimming lessons and was able to get up to the “flying fish” level, but not able to get to the “Shark” level, because I didn’t do flips in the water. Flying fish are just as fishy as sharks. They are just a different species.
100. I am still not at peace, but I know exactly how to get to peace. It’s just a matter of walking the talk. I’ve always run away from challenges/been lazy. Okay, that isn’t true. It was a challenge to make this web site, a challenge to succeed with the HijabMan business, but to me, those were easy.

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