A Simple Dating Guide For Muslims: Introduction

by HijabMan :: posted 17 February 09

Note: This post is part of an ongoing series on relationships.

While reading through Rawiya’s last post, I was reminded of a conversation I had with my own mother about a decade ago. I was sitting at a computer in my parents’ family room. She was in her usual spot, ironing, and watching television.

“Mom, what do you think about Muslim dating?”
“Beta, you mean having female friends? That’s fine”

My mom is precious ain’t she? That was obviously not the answer I was looking for, so I pried further. (Yes, I understand that I was an absolute dreadful child.)

“Yeah, that’s fine and everything mom, but what about, you know, physical affection and stuff?”

“Beta, you mean kissing and petting ?”

“HAHAHAHHAHA!” I couldn’t believe my ears. “Maybe not the umm, petting. But some smooches here and there, mom”

“I don’t know beta, I guess that would be your choice.”

Wow. Just. Wow. Did she just say “petting?” I had lived my life for 16 years thinking they were the most crazy, most conservative parents on earth. Just as it dawned upon Rawiya, it dawned on me:

... through the years, and after speaking with countless other Muslim children who have grown up in the United States, I understand the extent to which my parents are exceptional South-Asian Muslim parents.

Okay now that we’ve lightened things up a bit with my mother’s use of the word ‘petting,” we’ve gotten to the juicy bits!

Single practicing Muslims are completely and utterly sex-deprived. All. Over. The World. We don’t even have to talk about sex. They are normal-human-interaction-with-the-opposite-gender-deprived.

While living in Syria and in Egypt, I’d regularly see large groups of young men huddled around computers in internet cafes looking at porn.

According to Muslim Sex Shop (Yes, A Clean Link, sort of):

“If you look at Google Trends, and search for “sex,” guess which countries make the top of the list? Egypt, Indonesia, Turkey, Morocco, and sometimes Pakistan.”

So, Muslims date. We do. Many of us American Muslims are just in serious denial, and call it something else. At one point, even I used to call it the “SMB,” or “Steady Muslim Buddy.” Back then, I had an acronym for everything.

But as Barack Obama recently stated, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig!”

We just “do” dating in really weird ways. I believe that if we normalized it, it would probably lead to less dysfunctional relations between the sexes.

For instance, many Muslims like to jump the gun and talk about marriage and ‘interest’ too soon. Instead of taking the time to get to know themselves and the other person, they do all sorts of insane things. To illustrate, here is a woman on Craigslist looking for someone who won’t jump her bones on a first date, or call her fifty times in the span of a day:

“If you are Muslim and a kind person who won’t jump on me and try to kiss me the first time we meet, then maybe you’re the one. Or if you don’t smoke or drink (even though you say you are Muslim) and respect a woman’s desire to get to know you slowly, you could be the one. If I say you aren’t the one after the first meeting, you won’t call my house 50 times the following day demanding to talk to me. I am not trying to sound rude but I am getting so discouraged!!”

So, what is dating? A “date” is an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest. In the American Muslim context, this would preferably lead to marriage.

The Great Things About Dating

Hanging out with someone in public regularly allows you to get to know someone in different contexts over an extended period of time.

You’ll slowly find yourself rubbing off on that person, and they will begin to rub off on you.

I highly suggest meeting people with their families, friends, and observing their behavior in a variety of settings, including when you are alone with them. It is a great way to observe any red flags that may come up. For instance, a friend of mine just recently got divorced from a man who was super sweet to her family but when they were alone, he acted like an animal. Talking about finances and seeing each other’s living space wouldn’t hurt either. I know my other recently-divorced friend would’ve liked to know about the declaration of bankruptcy before hand.

Muslims often quote a tradition attributed to the Prophet Muhammad that goes something like this: “When an unmarried man and woman are alone, the devil is the third one present!”

I think the person who wrote it realized that the devil is everywhere anyway, but it doesn’t just sound as good to say…“whenever one man buys lentils from another man at a shop, the devil is their third partner.” Or my favorite? “Whenever a woman is in a crowd with 40 other women, learning to knit, satan is their 41st partner.” -KufiGirl

The fact is that temptation is a part of life. God, in the Qur’an, doesn’t forbid hanging out with other people. God does, however, tell us not to approach illicit intercourse. And more importantly, to stay conscious.

Besides, any of you guys who grew up watching Saved By The Bell still have daydreams about asking Kelly Kapowski to go steady. Or is that just me?

Stay tuned for the downsides of dating, including, guilt, lies, and unsavory characters!

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1. Humaira at 17 February 09 :: #

   Thank god someone is talking about this honestly. Its about time! And looking forward to more on this topic!

2. Purvis The Muslim at 17 February 09 :: #

   I like this advice:

   “I highly suggest meeting people with their families, friends, and observing their behavior in a variety of settings, including when you are alone with them. It is a great way to observe any red flags that may come up.”

3. Cindy at 17 February 09 :: #

   Excellent!

   I wrote something similar about gender relations here:

   http://www.muslimahsource.org/relationships/married-men-untouchable-species/

   I linked back to your article on my post.

4. afshin at 18 February 09 :: #

   the problem in muslim dating isn’t necessarily classifying a social outing as a date, but rather the more systemic issues that face our dating scene. your post highlights a huge one, which is the selection issue. there is a very very short supply of marriageable muslim men and women. the selection part comes in because your post focuses on a subset of people who are religious, educated, and dynamic people. this population is utterly small, and the sex ratio is highly skewed. so before we can even define how to go on a date or what a date is, we need to confront the demographic issues.

5. HijabMan at 18 February 09 :: #

   Afshin, I have to disagree, at least when it comes to urban areas.. there are plenty of single muslim men and women.

   You just have to find a good one ;)

6. Dennis at 18 February 09 :: #

   So are you saying “smooching” is halal before marriage if it’s in the name of Muslim dating.

   If you are, I hope you sincerely look into your heart and see if that’s real Islam. Because buddy, it isn’t. You can twist the Word of God to fit into a liberalized, Western, apologetic frame, but ultimately you are fooling yourself. Not Allah.

   I hope you don’t reply your usual comment to anyone opposing your ideas with “I don’t like your disrespectful tone and a lot of Muslims would agree with me.”

   :)

7. HijabMan at 18 February 09 :: #

   Dear Dennis,

   No, I am not saying smooching is halal before marriage. I am not saying it is haram either. I am not speaking to it’s haram or halalicity.

   The point of the series is to talk about the various ways in which Muslims date—- whether they are halal or not is not for me to judge.

   What i’ll be exploring, to reiterate, is the various ways in which Muslims of the opposite sex get to know each other.

   May God protect you.

8. Zainab at 19 February 09 :: #

   Excellent article! Dennis: Why does any interaction between the genders have to be perceived in such a sexualized context? I don’t think you give credit to people’s intentions or minds. Why can’t a man be friends with a women just for the sake of getting to know each other or for friendship? Some Muslims are such hermits, perceiving relationships based on what they see in the movies or tv. My opinion. Peace.

9. Aaisha at 19 February 09 :: #

   I love you .. you know that? Great post :) I personally prefer the ‘dating’ option rather than giving yourselves a month or two to get to know another person ‘for the sake of marriage’. Don’t get me wrong… this works for a number of couples. They get married, and live wonderful lives. I’m just saying I prefer this being friends / dating method better. You get to know the person naturally.. in a very organic manner. Relationships are ALWAYS difficult, but it’s nice to have a real solid foundation before you jump into marriage. Also… everyone should get into at least one HUGE blow up before deciding to get married.. and I mean EVERYONE. You get to see how you and the other person fight, any facade that may have been up drops away due to pure raw emotions, and finally, you get to see how you and your partner in crime make up after the fact.

10. Sobia at 20 February 09 :: #

    Thanks for discussing this.Its so important to talk about – and not in the halal/haram way. Things like this are way to complicated and complex to be put into halal/haram categories – actually, most things in life are. And considering many Muslims do date being judgmental will just end up pushing people away from Islam.

    @Dennis:
    Most of Islam is open to interpretation and so for most topics one cannot say that one thing is right and everything else is wrong. What may be the “twisted” for you makes perfect sense to others, and vice versa. It is not your place to judge. Only God can do that – you don’t need to take over His job.

11. Ed at 21 February 09 :: #

    Reading posts like Rafiya’s are incredibly depressing (at least for this Muslim) and just highlight how Islam is slowly dying to a better religion…liberalism. It is far more fun and convenient to f**k, drink, etc. at one’s leisure and whim than to follow any self-imposed restrictions in the name of an intangible being. It is clear that in order to survive Islam will have to be interpreted to allow sex before marriage, drinking (after all, only wine is prohibited in the Qur’an), and next to no dress restrictions. sigh.

12. Phillip Thomas at 24 February 09 :: #

    Hi there ~

    I work for MTV News & Documentaries in New York, and I’m currently researching a new round of episodes for MTV’s long-running series, True Life. The series, if you’re unfamiliar, employs first-person narrative storytelling to provide a window into the lives of young Americans. To date, the series has explored topics as complex as living with a disorder such as autism or obsessive-compulsive disorder; living in extreme poverty; single parenting; and being deployed to and returning from military service in Iraq.

    We’re currently exploring the idea of True Life: I’m Dating Outside My Social Circle, featuring young people who are in unconventional relationships. We are interested in hearing from people with all kinds of stories; Maybe you’re in an interracial or interfaith relationship. Are the differences between your respective cultures too hard to ignore? Perhaps your partner is much older than you and your relationship is drawing criticism from both ends. Do you feel like a fish out of water when you spend time with his or her friends? Or maybe you’re from a wealthy family and your significant other is broke. What happens when one person’s always picking up the tab? If you’re dating someone outside of your social circle, MTV is interested in hearing your story.

    We would like to get the word out to people in our age range (16-28, roughly, though anyone who appears younger than 28 is welcome to submit their story) who might be interested in possibly sharing their story and ultimately participating in a documentary project that would follow as they navigate whatever conflict, tension, obstacle, or decision they are facing because of or related to being from the bayou.

    I have attached a flier detailing what we are looking for and if you could help us by forwarding, posting, or printing and hanging it up anywhere you feel is appropriate, we’d be grateful.

    Let me know and thanks for any assistance you can provide… if there is anyone else you think I should contact about this project, or if you have any questions, please feel free to get in touch with my Producer at (212) 846-5584 or by email at brooke.crittendon@mtvstaff.com.

    Best regards,
    Phillip Thomas
    MTV
    True Life: I’m Dating Outside My Social Circle