Divorce's Rightful Place In Islam

by Zosha :: posted 20 February 09

photo courtesy of yasmine

I’m really disheartened that the focus of some Imams, after the gruesome murder of Aasiya Hassan, is on marriage mediation and conflict resolution. While I don’t have a problem with either of those, once there has been violence within a marriage, these are just not an adequate selection of options. Prophet Muhammad permitted and even presided over the divorce of Zainab from Zayd, then married her himself to remove her stigma, making her one of the most revered women among Muslims everywhere. Zainab’s reason for wanting a divorce? She didn’t like Zayd; she wasn’t in love with him. She didn’t find him attractive.

Modern Muslims have developed a phobia of divorce that has absolutely no precedent in the example of the Prophet. The Qur’an speaks of the realities of divorce openly and plentifully. It provides simple logistical rules for the division of property and the care of children for marriages broken before consummation and after. This is not a religion that was designed to trap women or men in loveless marriages, and certainly not abusive ones.

We as a community need to change one principle very quickly: when our sisters, aunts, cousins and friends call us to tell us that they are being abused, we must not ever, ever encourage them to go back. We must tell them that they have the option of leaving, that we will stand by them, that we will support them in keeping their children, in being accepted by the community, in finding them a partner more deserving of their love.

Everything and everyone around them, even their own hearts are telling them that they have no choice, that they should accept treatment that it is illegal (in the US) to inflict on dogs, that they should even be willing and able to have sex with the perpetrator of these crimes. We need to make divorce an acceptable option as is the uncontested example of the Prophet.

Zosha is HijabMan’s older, wiser sister. She is currently a lawyer but dreams of becoming a Montessori teacher. More about her will be available soon!

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1. Purvis The Muslim at 20 February 09 :: #

   Apparently people knew that Aasiya Hassan was being abused. Maybe they tried to help her, I don’t know… But anyone who knows someone who is being abused needs to direct them to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline so they can help them put together a safety plan, so the abuser can’t find them. The chance of an abuse victim getting killed greatly increases at the time that she leaves her abuser.

2. Sidi Khaled at 20 February 09 :: #

   This is absolutely true, i feel like nowadays people stay together for the mere reason of personal guilt. Although one should try their hardest to make it work, sometimes it just doesnt or it cant after animosities are harbored from things like aforementioned abuse. It remains the most hated of the allowed things for one reason, because people would use it as a reason to “hook up” with a girl then drop her, so for that alone it was discouraged, but nowadays things have changed and we need to open our eyes.

3. TMoney at 20 February 09 :: #

   Thanks for this. I was hoping to hear about it in the khutba today, but the khatib failed to prioritize his khutba in light of the world around him.

   I think, collectively, the concern over preventing “flippant” divorce leads to the Muslim rhetoric of de-emphasizing the legality of divorce and overemphasizing it being an “undesireable” option (even though most people wouldn’t disagree that it can be undesireable but better for the long run in many cases). We feel like we have some strange onus – that somehow if Muslims get less divorces, everyone will suddenly recognize the veracity of Islam. Or worse, if we’re divorced, somehow we’re a “bad” representative of the deen. Not saying I feel that way, but that’s just my cursory social diagnosis.

   Taken in concert with the fact that most spousal abuse is male to female, I can’t help but see it paternalistically when women are asked to tolerate bad relationships and men are free to perpetuate them with relative impunity (in the dunya).

   We need to make divorce an acceptable option as is the uncontested example of the Prophet.

   Right on.

4. LH at 21 February 09 :: #

   I agree divorce is definitely an option… it was covered at the discussion held at ADAMS last night on Marriage and Domestic Violence by Imam Magid.