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I Didn't Want To Call It Sexual Harassment

by HijabMan :: posted 11 December 06

Photo courtesy of Iranian.com’s archive of photos from the weeks after the 1979 revolution.

Last night, a young female friend of mine told me that she had been sexually harassed at work. The co-worker had begun ‘playfully’ grabbing her side by the time she told me.

I instructed her to seek out the manager.

Thinking about it makes me want to rearrange this guy’s face with a hammer. First I was worried, then I was angry, because it has happened to me, and I had waited until it happened to me a second time before I told someone.

Yes, I have been sexually harassed. The incidents happened in high school, or as I like to call it, the sanitarium. From High School to taxis in Egypt, from Bedouins near Libya to Right-Next-To-The-Kaaba, I’ve come across these less-than-men who harass me or my female company. Only once was I able to witness the punishment of them. Dare I say, it was enjoyable to see instant justice, to witness what was described to me as “The Egyptian Way.” I just wish I could have contributed a fist or two.

On October 19th 199x, I wrote, “I was changing in the gym locker room and John Doe walked up to me.  He asked me if I liked guys in a very sarcastic tone.  I replied in the negative, and waited for him to move on.  He ran his fingers down the length of my arm, “you little freak.“  I replied with the sometimes effective “F—- Off.”  It didn’t work, he replied with, “Oh so you want to F—- Me now?  I quickly realized that this wasn’t working so I changed tactics and kept quiet.  After a few moments he left, going to talk to his friend about what he just did, “begging” for acceptence for what he did. He got his friend’s attention, so he came back, ran his fingers down my arm again and said something derogatory in nature.  I didn’t face him, I kept quiet, he slowly walked away.  I felt unsafe, I felt uncomfortable, I felt embarassment. ”

On October 27th 199x, I wrote, “was sexually harassed again by the same guy.  Yup, just when I thought it was safe, the perverted psychopath came back, this time breathing down my neck, and grabbing me by the arms.  It happened just as I was going in the boys’ locker room.  I walked away, people stared, he saw me go to a teacher.  I told the teacher, who did nothing at that point.  So “how am I going to change?“  Luckily I found a football player.  Big Guy… he’s had facial hair since the 5th grade.  I told him of my predicament and he agreed.  As I walked into the gym locker room one of the pervert’s friends said, “Hey, there’s your guy.“  FootballGuy told John Doe to lay off.  Was that all he was going to do?  Thanks a lot ! The football player told the guy my name.  Thanks again! You deserve a freakin lollipop!  The guy began screaming my name, while I got changed. I got the hell out of there and got to the guidance counselor.  I told her the guys name, and they say they will take care of it after the weekend is over.”

You’ll notice that in the first entry, I didn’t want to call it sexual harassment. I was ashamed, as a young man. By the time I wrote the second entry, I had decided that that’s what it was. While uncomfortable for me to admit, I was the victim of sexual harassment.

Who was this kid, HM? What happened afterward?

That’s besides the point, guys. The point is that while it is a traumatizing experience, you can definitely put a stop to it. It was a humiliating experience for me. My blood was boiling, but I was frozen in my place, unable to act, while it was happening. Now I know better.

And you know better. Most articles I’ve found on how to deal with sexual harassment in the work place or in a school environment begin by encouraging people to confront the person doing the harassment. The next step is “writing a letter” to them that is dated and signed. You may wonder what that would do. Think, documentation for legal purposes.

If that doesn’t work, it’s time to go to a higher authority, a manager or a guidance counselor. There are also organizations that can help you figure out what your next step should be. See below for some resources beyond my abilities.

The typical, most-often heard (because the most ignorant are always the loudest) Muslim response to this is exemplified by that “highly respected” Imam who got 3 months suspension ( and a lot of bad press ) for asserting [stupid] ideas like,

“Well, if women were dressed properly, maybe they wouldn’t get harassed, HijabMan.”

Garbage. If it happens right next to the Kaaba, in front of my eyes to fully veiled women, your argument is garbage. And on the street, in Cairo? More garbage.

Resources:

Sexual Harassment in School
Sexual Harassment at Work
Employment Advisory
Sexual Harassment Links- FMLA

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1. Farhana at 11 December 06 :: #

   Salam
   I completely agree with you. ESPECIALLY about the Imam. I hate it when you go to a religious figure hoping that they will shed some light and have them help you in some way possible, only to get criticized by them.
   and about the sexual harrasment. There is this weird guy who did that to me for a while at my workplace. he used to say inappropriate things to me, and one day he even “playfully” touched me. although it was on my arm, i did not like it one bit. but i was afraid that if i told anyone at work then they would be like “whats the big deal?” i couldnt confront him because i was too scared that everyone would think that i was weird. but i was so upset by it. and ever since that incident, i just ignore him. and thankfully he has gotten the hint. butttttttttt i really really REALLY wish i couldve just told him “dont touch me.”

   excellent post. im glad i came across it.
   wsalam.

2. Manie at 11 December 06 :: #

   nice blog lad. ur famous.:D

3. nazia at 11 December 06 :: #

   igual, senor. how are so many people out there, both men & women, muslim & non-muslim, supposed to feel safe and able to confide in older figures of authority when those figures can’t even guide you or give you direction?! and this is EXACTLY why this world cant progress forward.

4. huda at 12 December 06 :: #

   Yeah, that “theory” is garbage all right. It happened to me just outside Masjid al-Nabwi. In front of my father, even. I froze up because I was so shocked; nothing like that had ever happened to me before. Afterwards, I was so mortified, I wanted to skip my hajj and go straight home.

   And it was NOT because I was dressed improperly or gallivanting off on my own.

   Three months suspension was SO not enough for that “respected” Imam.

5. HijabMan at 12 December 06 :: #

   First, thank you all for commenting. Haha, I feel I caught some people offguard with this one.

   Huda— thank you for sharing. yeah. i froze up too. And i agree. 3 months my foot.

   nazia.. i second that

6. wannaseemydiarrhea at 13 December 06 :: #

   dear stinky cheese chai man,

   this doesn’t relate, but your website has come along phenomenally!

   thank you for the post. you really put yourself out there to make the point.

   keep me in your prayers as i keep you in mine.

   peace.

7. someone at 17 December 06 :: #

   what’s so hard about holding their stinky hand and maror-ing it?
   If someone is being a perv in public – then why can’t u just embarass them in front of everyone?
   Trust me – it’s not that hard. I’ve tried that before.

8. Mujahideen Ryder at 18 December 06 :: #

   if i see some brother doing something haram like that, i’d beat his a$$ down.

9. Ms. Khadijah Convert at 24 December 06 :: #

   Yeah, unfortunately just beating someone up isn’t the most effective way of confronting this. I kind of wish it were, but I think we need to find a more effective societal way of confronting/preventing this sort of stuff. But of course don’t ask me how.

   Thank you so much hijabman for confronting this. These are the kinds of relevant and important topics I wish I heard confronted more often in the Islamic community.

10. Sabeen at 25 December 06 :: #

    Thanks HijabMan, for making me believe that I’m not a freak. A non-muslim male office colleague developed a weird habit of grabbing my arm or hand and pulling whenever he wanted my attention. The first time he did it I was really offended, but didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to make a scene; as it is, being one of the few hijabis in my firm puts me in the spotlight more often than I’d love to. Anyway, I discussed his behavior with my fellow colleagues (some of whom were muslim) and they told me to “relax, he’s just being friendly, don’t be paranoid”. The next time though, he grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go when I tried to free myself! The nerve! I actually pulled back hard and told him to leave me alone (so totally embarrassing, but I had to, or he wouldn’t get the message). The result is now everyone is SUPER-paranoid abt any kind of contact with me. OK, maybe I didn’t handle this well but it was really getting uncomfortable. and none of my so-called friends were helping me out. At the end of it all, I’m glad I stopped him when I did, even if it made me look childish :s