In Kuala Lumpur after eating Roti Hawaii at Murni's

by HijabMan :: posted 8 April 09

It’s 3 AM, and I just got up to pee and saw my first Malaysian house lizard staring back at me. It stood there for a split second before scampering away. I imagined him waltzing back in a suit talking to me about my car insurance, but it didn’t happen.

The bride and groom are also suffering jetlag, so we’re all in the same room at the bride’s sister’s house on our laptops. At 3 AM, discussing what to eat next.

Seriously, how did my life become so crazy? How did I just re-invent myself into a successful wedding photographer? I have no idea. All I know is that I try to push past my fears, and I laugh (hesitantly) at the voice in my head that tells me to just stay home. Yes. I am scared. Every time I try something new, or go on a trip, I get an upset stomach. I may not show my nervousness outwardly, but the insides of my body get all wacky due to my anxiety. The morning before I left the story repeated itself for the millionth time, as was evidenced by two visits to the restroom. Too much info? Too bad. Hahaha. The great thing is that once I am at my destination, my survival tactics and mental kung fu kick in, so all symptoms vanish, and I become road warrior. Warrior with out fear. Mix that with a dose of self-imposed child-like fascination with every new discovery, and I am good to go.

Conan, anyone?

This is all-sorts-of-cliche. But you know that whole, “Believe in yourself, you can do anything you put your mind to?” Garbage?

Well. It ain’t that stinky. It is true. But I’d have to say that part of the whole package is exploring and trying on different hats to see which ones fit. Remember that time I went to Syria and tried to study Arabic while living with people who told me I was a Sign of the Day of Judgment— the one’s that wouldn’t let me eat with them in the kitchen. Yeah. That hat didn’t fit. Playing the piano? Didn’t fit. But that one out of a hundred hats that do fit? Boy does it feel good. And you know it when it is effortless. When, to quote, Zosha, you are ‘independently motivated to do it.’ It is kind of like the summer time after a ridiculously long Chicago winter. The waters of lake Michigan on your feet, as your toes sink into the sand. The butterflies. The smiley people. And there is an overarching hint of the Divine in all of it.

So as soon as I got to Singapore, and throughout my five-hour bus ride to Kuala Lumpur, and even now at 5 AM, as I’m about to go eat some more delicious food, I fight to hold back my sheer joy. I don’t think it’ll last much longer though. I’ll be dancing in the streets soon— the urge to jump up and down and laugh joyously with the world is too great. What a beautiful place Southeast Asia is.. and I’ve only been here for a day.

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1. Norzu at 9 April 09 :: #

   You guys were already eating (again) at 5am?? :)

2. Heather B at 9 April 09 :: #

   Hey, thanks for this post. (and the “rent-a-mahram – I actually didn’t know that a girl needed that and was really thinking I needed to plan my Hajj trip…gah)

   I’ve been struggling recently with a job I really don’t like but have to keep for a least a few more months just for the health benefits – it’s nice to hear about another muslim finally figuring it out. It’s also nice to be reminded to keep trying different things – sometimes I feel a little hopeless.

   Salaam :)

3. zainab at 9 April 09 :: #

   its soo nice to hear that after all the things you had tried you finally found the thing for you…. it really gives me hope that one day i will find the thing for me… and then i’d want to jump up and down with happiness, just gota keep trying..thanx

4. Shireen at 10 April 09 :: #

   Thanks for writing so candidly about your fears and the quest to conquer them. All of us have these fears but few are inclined to admit it and DO something about it. You are inspirational.