"Marry a Jewish man. They're kosher. The other white meat." (Guest Post)

by HijabMan :: posted 8 September 08

You’re lucky if you’re in an environment that promotes a healthy and rational way to build a lifetime deal. You are also lucky if you have fallen in love, and know who you want to spend the rest of your life with and have the opportunity to do that. And, you’re daaaamn lucky if you’ve had a traditional arranged marriage and it worked out beautifully for you. – “Banoota.net”

HijabMan’s Note: The following is a guest post by Rawiya in response to my recent series on the Muslim Marriage Crisis.

I’ve just gotten off of the phone with my mother, a Pakistani woman in her 50s, who bore six children and has watched on the sidelines as we all become mired in the murky territory marriage. She offers me the above advice as a joke, delivered with a lilt of tired laughter, but she’s also up against a brick wall, without any other advice to give me, her 27 year old daughter, on a topic that she’s come to understand less and less in her thirty plus years of marriage.

By the blessings of God, I was given the most incredible parents in the world. In my youth, I took them for granted, complaining of course about their strict rules about slumber parties and gender-mixed social events. But through the years, and after speaking with countless other Muslim children who have grown up in the United States, I understand the extent to which my parents are exceptional South-Asian Muslim parents. They raised their five daughters and one son to be independent, critical thinkers, challenging them to think beyond the world that they knew and were comfortable in, while still instilling a sense of respect for faith and tradition. So, while my Dad taught us how to read the Qur’an and perform prayer and while my Mom taught us how to cook and sew, my parents also encouraged us to go beyond the world of their familiarity and comfort. I took piano and voice lessons, ran cross country, sang and acted in school musicals, and wrote music, all of which were strange and alien things for Mom and Dad, but nonetheless, they were always behind me, supporting me when I had to turn down “kissing” parts in plays or fighting for my right to wear track pants instead of shorts in cross country races. Furthermore, my siblings and I were encouraged and expected to pursue higher education. That has meant two PhDs (and one on the way, God willing) and one MD. My mother, married at the age of 18, brought to the United States at the age of 20 without a word of English, and illiterate, knew the value of education, and was adamant that her daughters would be able to support themselves, married or not. She instilled in all of us the fierce desire for independence and self-sufficiency, while at the same time reassuring us that they would always be there for us. Always.

The one shady area in which my parents had no strong words of advice was marriage. We knew the general ground rules. Marry a Muslim. Preferably a Pashtun. But my parents were not naïve; they knew that the fact that we lived in rural northern New York limited our scope significantly. While there was occasionally mention of an interested suitor in Pakistan to my elder sisters, my parents did not fight when met with eye rolls and protests. In truth, they didn’t want their daughters moving back to Pakistan either, so far away from them. So it came as somewhat of a surprise when my second eldest sister, “Adila,” told them at the age of 19 that she received an offer of marriage from a distant cousin in Pakistan, and was that she had accepted him and was moving there. My parents were shocked, and asked her to reconsider. Life in Pakistan, thousands of miles away from family, would be difficult. But furthermore, my parents knew the suitor’s family to be very traditional and of a conservative bent, which they were sure would clash with Adila’s upbringing. But Adila would not relent. She was in love, and was determined. So my parents, being the parents they are, consented and watched Adila leave for Pakistan at age 20. Within several years, Adila had two children, and was happy performing her household duties in the extended family’s home. She would occasionally visit the United States with her family, and she and her husband talked about getting him U.S. citizenship. However, upon researching this, they realized that in order for him to achieve this, they would have to spend a good deal of time in the United States, something which his family back in Pakistan was against, and he would have to get a job. A wealthy land-owner in Pakistan, this was also something that he was not used to. But they began the process. Along the way, her husband became frustrated and decided to return to Pakistan. Adila, who had gotten her own job at this point, and was starting to realize that she missed her independent lifestyle, that she missed life in the United States, and that she wanted to raise her children with the same values she was raised with. My parents’ anxieties about my sister’s match were manifesting. And at this point, my sister is still in limbo. She has refused to go back to Pakistan. Her husband travels back and forth, and her children travel to Pakistan in the summers. But her marriage has undergone intense strain and at this point, they are only together for the sake of the children.

My eldest sister brought new issues to the marriage table. One evening, over the phone, my sister “Zainab” apparently told her that she had fallen in love with a non-Muslim, and that they were going to get married. He was going to convert to Islam, albeit for her sake, because he knew how important it was to her and he didn’t want to estrange her from her family. This was a blow to my parents. While they encouraged independence and critical thinking, religion was always incredibly important to them. They were against Zainab’s marriage, because a conversion for the sake of marriage was superficial and illegitimate in their eyes. They also felt hurt at her hiding her relationship from them for a considerable amount of time. But at the same time, my parents did not even begin to entertain the thought of giving Zainab an ultimatum, of threatening her with disowning her. They disagreed with her choice, but loved her and stood by her. Zainab’s husband was accepted into our family, and she now has three beautiful children, may God protect them.

My parents were seasoned stoics when yet another sister, Farah, told them over the phone (again!) that she had fallen in love with a non-Muslim and that they were getting married. Only this time, there was no mention of conversion. Farah had been dating an atheist for years, was living with him in secret, and finally outed herself when he proposed to her. I watched them, resigned, and was hurt for them. I saw how much they loved their children, how little they asked of them, and how disappointed they were. But still, they stood by their children, dealing with censure and ridicule from family and from our community. I was determined to give them what they deserved. I closed off myself to any possibility of marrying a non-Muslim. I vowed that I would find someone that they accepted and approved of, and felt estranged from my siblings and their “selfishness.”

It was around this time that I started “dating” an Arab Canadian Muslim man from my undergraduate university. He was everything that I had ever dreamed of: devout and socially engaged. A Muslim, an academic, a critical thinker, an activist, a romantic. We began as friends, but things quickly became serious and we discussed marriage from the very beginning. I was relieved. I had succeeded in finding someone who satisfied my religious, intellectual, and emotional inclinations. But as time went on, the engagement kept being postponed. He had met my parents, but his parents were still an enigma to me. I came to find out later that his parents were not happy in his interest in a Pakistani, and had been hoping that he would marry an Egyptian cousin of his. I was resolute; I had decided that I wanted to marry him, and he was adamant that he wanted to marry me, so I remained in limbo for three and a half years, waiting for our relationship to become legitimized. But that never happened. After three and a half years of sacrifice and waiting, I had to give him an ultimatum. After all of this, he turned the ultimatum down.

There were many complexities which led to our parting of ways, which I won’t get into here. But the fact remains that I’m now 27 years old, distrustful, cynical, and unsure of what I want anymore. It’s been almost two years now since my relationship ended, and I am still coming to terms with all of the emotional repercussions of what I’ve faced. I know I still want to get married, but I barely know where to begin to look. I’ve met men through friends, created profiles on online Muslim marriage sites, and have also spent periods of time just throwing up my hands in the air and telling myself to “trust God” that the best will come of it all. But the truth is, I’m scared. I just haven’t found “him” yet. I haven’t found someone who meets my needs as a critical but devout Muslim woman, who values her independence and career, who still writes music and goes for runs while pursuing her PhD. And after sacrificing and forbearing patiently for three and a half years in a relationship that never panned out, I feel justified in being a little bit selfish right now. I’m not willing to sell myself short. And I have to face the fact that that might mean never getting married. And if I’m being completely honest, this thought scares the hell out of me.

Sure, in non-Muslim communities, 27 is young, but let’s face it. For us Muslims, 27 year old women are looked at with suspicious eyebrow raises. “She must be too self-centered or career-oriented.” Recently at an dinner on my university’s campus, I found myself sitting amongst a group of Muslim women my age, most of whom were already married. One laughed saying, “I’m so glad that we can come to these catered dinners. It spares me of having to cook my husband dinner for an entire month!” Most of the women nodded vehemently in agreement, laughing.

I just sighed.

I don’t even cook dinner for myself every night. If this is the expectation that Muslim men in the United States still have, then I guess I’ll be by myself for awhile. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that there aren’t Muslim men out there who value independent and career-oriented women. I just haven’t found one yet…

This was the topic I was speaking to my mother about over the phone today. My brother was just engaged last week to a Muslim woman that he met over naseeb.com. My parents went with him to his fiancee’s parents house and had a ceremony, and were overjoyed that their son had found someone to share his life with. However, after spending time with the bride-to-be’s family, my Mom isn’t sure again. She was confiding in me that she thinks that my brother’s fiancée, Saadya, is manipulating him. After my brother gave his fiancée a Tiffany’s engagement ring, her family demanded a mahr of $50,000 and two sets of gold, amounting to about $20,000, and marriage clothing. My mother feels torn, wanting her son to be happy and wanting to give him the independence to make his own choices, but at the same time, she fears him being duped under the guise of “religion” and “tradition.” She admits to me that she doesn’t understand why things have been so difficult when it comes to her children and marriage. She is confused, and barely knows what she wants from her children anymore.

This is the context for her advice to me, to “marry a Jewish man.” Tradition and innovation, Muslim and non-Muslim, have caused stress to her children in terms of marriage. There are no more ground rules of, “you must marry a Muslim.” She just wants me to find someone who can truly be my partner in life. Traditions, rings, dowries… these things are secondary. She watches in admitted surprise as Farah’s marriage to a non-Muslim seems to be the most stable and rewarding marriage of all of her children’s marriages. As much as I’m embarrassed to admit it, I’m surprised too. I feel ashamed at being so judgmental of my siblings and their choices. It’s not easy. We all have ideals and values and expectations in terms of who we want to end up with. But life isn’t that simple. God takes us on twists and turns and I have to believe that S/He knows best. So while it might seem a little strange for Mom to say, “marry a Jewish man,” I know it’s her way of saying, “I won’t judge you if you marry outside of the faith. I know how hard things are for you.” I’m still not quite ready to let that go yet, myself. But I’m thankful that I have the support of incredible parents who understand just how difficult it is for us, living on the margins of multiple societies, battling with complex identities that we choose for ourselves and that are imposed upon us, to find a marriage partner.

Related Link From HijabMan: Life Mergers and Acquisitions over @ Banoota

Freckles at 8 September 08 :: #

Your parents seem like awesome people! It makes me sad to think that something so important as marriage is made even more complicated than it already is by cultural hangups, personal issues, and greed. I’m sorry that your siblings have gone through turmoil in marriage, but I hope that if anything, you can use their experiences to help you in your quest for a life partner. I suppose there is an advantage to being a younger sibling in that respect! :)

May God grant you a loving and respectful husband when He wills it, ameen.
Anjum at 8 September 08 :: #

ditto to this part: It’s been almost two years now since my relationship ended, and I am still coming to terms with all of the emotional repercussions of what I’ve faced. I know I still want to get married, but I barely know where to begin to look.
sk at 9 September 08 :: #

It’s great that your parents are so open-minded and understanding, but the issue of a Muslim woman marrying a non-Muslim man is not one of “acceptance” or “cultural hangups”. A Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man. period. The nikkah is not valid, and that couple is living in sin. I’m not saying this to be judgmental or to insult anyone in any way, I just felt that someone needed to bring in a reality check. We can’t adjust the rules of our religion for convenience or because the right way is too hard for us or because we don’t agree with it. It’s not okay, and we have to be okay with that, because as “Muslims”, we must submit to the will of our Lord.
I pray that Allah blesses you with a wonderful Muslim man!
HijabMan at 9 September 08 :: #

sk: Lots of people don’t believe what you believe :)

I’m one of them.
M.R. at 9 September 08 :: #

SK wrote: “The nikkah is not valid, and that couple is living in sin”...
What are your credentials and who gave you the right or authority to judge? Or is this an opinion? Do you know this family? Have you lived a day in their lives or gone through anything that they have?
Allah swt is the ultimate Judge as only He knows what is in a person’s heart and their intention. The rules and injunctions provided are for you to make appropriate decisions in YOUR life according to what is right for YOU.. and unless you have been appointed judge/caliph in a land ruled by islamic law, you have no right to make that “ruling”.
Sarah at 9 September 08 :: #

sk: shariah is a fluid, dynamic body of law. it’s not a bunch of static rules set in stone. in fact, scholars often warn about how much worse it is to blindly pass down laws that were formulated in one culture and era into a totally different culture and era without taking into consideration changed circumstances. Read for yourself:

Imam al-Qarafi (may God have mercy on him) commented as follows:

“Persons handing down legal judgments while adhering blindly to the texts in their books without regard for the cultural realities of their people are in gross error. They act in contradiction to established legal consensus and are guilty of iniquity and disobedience before God, having no excuse despite their ignorance; for they have taken upon themselves the art of issuing legal rulings without being worthy of that practice….Their blind adherence to what is written down in the legal compendia is misguidance in the religion of Islam and utter ignorance of the ultimate objectives behind the rulings of the earlier scholars and great personages of the past whom they claim to be imitating.”

Ibn al-Qayyim (may God have mercy on him), commenting on al-Qarafi’s position, opined thus:

“This is pure understanding of the law. Whoever issues legal rulings to the people merely on the basis of what is transmitted in the compendia despite differences in their customs, usages, times, places, conditions, and the special circumstances of their situations has gone astray and leads others astray. His crime against the religion is greater than the crime of a physician who gives people medical prescriptions without regard to the differences of their climes, norms, the times they live in, and their physical natures but merely in accordance with what he finds written down in some medical book about people with similar anatomies. Such is an ignorant physician; the other is an ignorant juris-consult but more detrimental.”
Paki Christian Girl at 9 September 08 :: #

Dear Rawiya,

I feel so much for you after reading this post. I am a Pakistani Christian woman (a couple yrs your junior), but let me say that what you’re going through is something we ALL face! Outside of Islam even, these same issues of tradition & culture prevail!

The Pakistani Christian community is SMALL compared to the Muslim one. So I just wanted to say please hang in there!

As my best (Muslim) friend and I were discussing the other day…“life is beautiful & you are so fortunate and lucky to live the life you do & to have the opportunities you’ve had.”

This may sound redundant or irrelevant, but sometimes a total stranger can make one smile too … but just wanted to tell you that you have a wonderful spirit & may God bless you with an amazing husband that cherishes you beyond belief!
hijabman at 9 September 08 :: #

Paki Christian Girl: You rock. Please be friends with us. Seriously. Add us on facebook: HijabMan

-HijabMan On behalf of Rawiya (Who is busying phding her bum off…)
stranger at 9 September 08 :: #

HijabMan, do you also agree with this “ S/He knows best “
hijabman at 9 September 08 :: #

Stranger:

Funny you should ask. I actually edited that part of Rawiya’s post.

God is gender neutral, in fact, God is beyond gender- Creator of gender. I often switch pronouns to help me remember that. So, no I don't have a problem with using the He or She pronouns
Jameelah Shukri at 9 September 08 :: #

Hmmm, I think I might be torn on this post… Understanding completely where Rawiya is coming from on so many levels. Two of my cousins and my former step mom all married non Muslims; see my family when asked about these three women say they died years ago because they could not deal with the ‘cultural’ shame of having non-Muslim men in-laws. See I have an issue with this because why is it socially acceptable for a Muslim man to marry and non-Muslim woman but not vice versa, I feel there needs to be a balance. As a Muslim women I would like to find a partner who is on the same spiritual path as I am and oh believe you and me both I once found a man who was simply amazing and I felt like he completed me in so many ways and he respected my deen but there was such a void, I felt sorrow when I would pray and he was not next to me or when I would talk about the overwhelming feelings I have for Allah, he appreciated it but could not completely relate. I felt like I deserved more and he deserved more and furthermore as liberal as my thoughts are I kept trying to think how would be if we had children. See this is where my big issue comes from, since my step mom married a Jewish guy, my siblings live with her all 4 of them and they range from 4-14 and they are so confused when it comes to Islam, Christianity, Judaism, and spirituality because when they are with their mom the importance of deen is not emphasized one bit and when they are with my dad he tries to instill them with a sense of pride of being Muslim, which confuses the hell out of them particularly the 14 yr old who is now an agnostic. As open minded as I am this breaks my heart because these are the loves of my life and I want them to truly feel the love of Allah and how Islam is not a religion but an endowment and not restricted by rules but is what we as individuals interpret it to be for ourselves, which I sense is something they can not grasp. I am not knockin on anyone who wants to be with a non-Muslim but I know for myself that’s just not an option, I want someone I can lay down to every night who is on an ever growing path with me, someone I can wake up and pray fajr with, or someone who looks forward to experiencing the beauty of hajj with me…
I am not here to say it is halal or haram bc how can I know if I don’t even know where I will be tomorrow let alone in the next life. Thank you Rawiya for sharing your experience and thoughts bc I feel this is a subject we must not shy away from.
hijabman at 9 September 08 :: #

Jameelah, thanks as always for commenting…

Just on the children point…stating the obvious

I guess for me… having two muslim parents. Even when I was 14, i was suicidal, and most definitely agnostic/atheist.

Point being. It is God who guides… not parents. No matter how Muslim or not Muslim they are.. it does not guarantee the faith or the Muslimness of their kids.
Jameelah Shukri at 9 September 08 :: #

Point taken but I slightly disagree…
At 14 I was a cutter and went to Islamic school full time, everyday at school I learned about how I would go to hell if I didn’t fear God…
I resented Islam but what made me look at Islam in a different perspective was my mother, I saw how she embodied it and did not force it upon me but we talked about it, we questioned it, we disagreed but she set a base for me, yes it is only Allah who can guide hearts but Allah has made parents as a mercy as well or there would be no need to put such an importance on mothers and how Jennah is under their feet b/c they not only carried you and nurtured you (not saying all mothers are like this), picked you up when you fell, but they instilled a sense of self in you to develop and become who you want to be…

Being Muslim isn’t absolute. My grandparents weren’t Muslim but they instilled spirituality and compassion in my moms life and when she found Islam her mother was proud of her daughter, yes it is Allah who guided my mom to this deen but both my grandparents were going to announce their shahdah publicly when they both unexpectedly passed onto God bc they believed Islam meant ease and completion. My mom to this day says she loves no other love then the love her parents provided her but she always wanted to give the opportunity to her own children to be able to experience the ecstasy of Islam…

So for me it is important…

but we can def agree to disagree because I am always ready with an opinion and respect others.

PS if everyone could make du’a for Imam W. Dean Muhammad who passed away, he is one if the pioneers of bringing Islam to millions of indigenous Americans, May Allah grant his peace and the highest level of Jennah, he will be missed
this american muslim at 9 September 08 :: #

Salaam- I read the post because to be honest, I got this “OH MY GOD THEY ARE PROMOTING SIN” and thought “great…what now”.

But here is the thing. I agree with the notion that the marriage is not valid. I doubt NO Muslim scholar will say that it is acceptable.

The fluidity and dynamism of Islamic Jurisprudence/ Sharia/ Law/ Moral code, what have you, is quite true, yet not on the fundamentals. Sharia is meant to protect the Muslim community and where children are concerned, that is the future of Islam, its ability to survive and continue and from my limited knowledge, its the most strict and finalized of interpretations.

But that doesnt mean that a union- or marriage- is not a union- or marriage- between the two individuals of different faiths. Why should we be the judge of such things? Why should we ostracize? I mean sure you have every right to put the couple- their kids- on the Aunty and Uncle blast lines, but honestly, thats low and that is totally “not the way of our beloved Prophet SAW” yet I see that happening, sadly.

Now if I could keep your short attention span, I know I am boring, but there is a underlying message that is being related here. In truth, its about the totally unpredictable and new set of circumstances that we find ourselves in. Its “we” because its our parents generation, its us and its this society we find ourselves in.

Sure, maybe the scholars in some near future, might look at the situation and say, you know what Muslim guys are not really Muslim, that there is a shortage (in fact one of the signs of Judgement Day nearing is the shortage of guys, maybe its this, maybe its specific to an actual shortage.) and that it is permissible for Muslim women to marry outside of Islam. That might just be the case, but I dont think we are there. Until then we do have something quite clear, its not permissible Islamically for women to do that- and there is a list of reasons for those searching for them.

Now going back to the point of parents finding themselves in this new place. Its a heart warming story. Its a story of growth, of development, of coping with a families realities. My question is, though the title and the concept being promoted might be “spectacular” and “sensational” maybe its trying to get at something more and beyond that.

It just might be possible. I would encourage myself, and others to go beyond the initial sensations and look at the ideas, that, that I believe is a reasonable request.
JC at 9 September 08 :: #

way to miss the point entirely, guys

All you men are saying its a sin to marry someone not muslim. the FUNNY part about that is… that isn’t what the post is about, AT ALL.

It is just that it is in your best interest to oppose the idea, even if its NOT EVEN the main idea of the article. I forgot muslims just like to read titles and forget the rest of the article. Silly me.

the other thing is, you arent providing any alternative, or owning up to the fact that there is a crisis, and its because in general, muslim men suck.

And if you want any empirical evidence of that, all you have to do is hang out with a group of Muslim guys. I’ll be writing about that soon
aisha at 9 September 08 :: #

Beautifully written. I personally would disagree with the conclusion, but at the same time my life experiences are different. I do however have full empathy for your perspective, and your post helps me understand the choices others unlike me make.
Noor at 9 September 08 :: #

Salaam Akaikum, everyone keeps bringing up children as being one of the reasons that a Muslim woman should not marry a non-Muslim. Some are older, past child-bearing age. Why not marry a non-Muslim man if you have already raised your children and they have their own lives? If you have a non-Muslim man who respects you, your religion and your rights under your religion, what is the big deal? To me, the children question doesn’t matter anyway because there is no compulsion in religion and you can’t force your children to believe anything, you can only show them what you believe and model your behavior to be something you wish them to emulate. I just have no idea why, if there are no children involved and there will be no children involved, the argument is valid.
ammena at 10 September 08 :: #

another thought provoking post masha’allah.. thanks for giving the time to your guests (and friends) to be so open and inviting here masha’allah. As for me, Im in 2 minds :P
muslimgoneglobal at 11 September 08 :: #

I am sure you’ve heard this enough, but I am madly in love with your parents. Inshallah my husband and I can be as your parents, raising well rounded non-prejudicial individuals who truly know the humility of Islam.

There are so many individuals who are great Muslims without ever taking shahada or being born and raised in a typical Muslim household. There are those who are Muslims in their actions, words, and deeds. There are so many actual ‘Muslims’ that live complete lives in contradiction to the core of the Islamic faith and yet they are ‘Muslim’ and somehow better for us than those who do not pray in ‘our’ fashion. Islam is not just the oh-so-pious life style and practices in conjunction that the idea and fear of hell fire that keeps one from truly knowing Allah as a loving and forgiving God, sometimes I think Muslims today true religion is in their daily rituals and culture that have plagued them and not so much their faith in God. Why can’t we let go of our instinct of the flesh to judge one another and love and accept and leaving the judging to the one almighty?

I have sisters who are married to what are deemed ‘non-Muslims’, and I have sisters married to ‘Muslims’. I have a struggle with this culture that many Muslims have a hard time escaping the stereo-typed gender roles and keeps us socially and spiritually in prison.

Rawiya, please keep the faith the man of your dreams may just be around the bend, I feel for you and the failure of your past relationship. But there are good Muslim men out there, Muslim in the way that you are, and Muslim on another level, good men who are chaste and clean. Islam is color-blind and unfortunately not many Muslims are, even between different Arab nations there are feelings of superiority and animosity. I am an Arab American married to Pashtun Kashmiri born and raised in Pakistan, and while my husband has many ‘traditional ideals’- like having chai made on a nightly bases and talks of raising our daughters in Pakistan for fear so they don‘t turn out to be ‘sluts‘ and then I remind him about the plenty of boy-Muslim sluts too-on a global scale, but he also makes dinner on the weekends, does a fab-ul-ous job ironing and volunteers to change my niece and nephews diapers for ‘practice’. We plan and raising our children to choose their partners not just on someone’s deen is their outward ritualistic practices, but actual belief based on faith in Allah which supersedes any opinions and judgments that we may cast on our own accord.
Rawiya at 11 September 08 :: #

Wow. I’m really astounded. What incredible comments. Thank you all for taking the time to read the post, and also to those of you who took the time to comment and offer your criticism or empathy. It’s really liberating to share this story with a community and to get feedback, because there’s only so much clarity one can achieve on their own.

I just wanted to emphasize the fact, as many of you have thoughtfully posted, that I shared this with you not to promote interfaith marriage, per se (nor was I trying to insinuate that this was my mother’s main point, either), but simply to talk about the complications of finding a spouse when you’re facing the pressures of multi-layered and complex identities.

I mean, hey- finding a spouse is hard no matter who you are, but throw in religious/cultural requirements and expectations and things get harder. I talk about this often with my friends of different faiths.

I’ve moved on from trying to judge for myself whether this or that nikkah is “valid”. I was strongly of this persuasion while my siblings were bringing up their fiances, and even toyed with the idea of not talking to my sister, Farah, to demonstrate my disapproval. But this would do absolutely nothing. It would only estrange me from someone I love dearly. (Think about certain foreign policies where states refuse to negotiate/deal with states that they don’t agree with. They may not agree, but it doesn’t lead to any sense of mutual understanding, which as very real consequences in the world.) So, I may not have agreed with her choices, but who am I to judge?

But beyond that, it’s not just about “not judging” people.” It’s about having the humility to acknowledge that you have no idea where life will take you. Again, as some of you mentioned in your comments, it’s fairly arrogant for us to assume that we know how we would react when put in certain positions. We may have ideals, but only God knows how we’d truly react to being placed in those positions. That’s why I mentioned my prior relationship. I was feeling pretty darned good about myself that I had managed to satisfy all of these alleged “requirements,” particularly above the efforts of my sisters. But the end of the relationship forced me to humble myself and know that if I indeed found a suitable husband, that was from God. Not because I’m such a great person who has the “right” criteria.

And finally, yes, this post deals with being open to the fact that a “non-Muslim” to be a better “Muslim” than one born into the faith, in terms of the so-called “spirit” of Islam. So all in all, I guess the overall tone I’d like to convey is one of humility and compassion.
Sarah at 11 September 08 :: #

Rawiya – I continue to be impressed with how articulate you are, masha’Allah :)

I could not agree more with this statement:

“it’s not just about “not judging” people.” It’s about having the humility to acknowledge that you have no idea where life will take you.”

I can certainly relate. This has happened to me a few times in my life – I’ve judged someone for the decisions they made, and then years later I found myself in very similar situations, making similar mistakes, if not worse ones. I think these were reminders from God not to judge people, and to remember, like you said, that we really don’t know where life will take us and how we will react. It has certainly humbled me and made me a more empathetic person, I hope!, and I’m so glad you pointed that out as the lesson of your post.

Thank you for sharing. You’re amazing!
Anwar at 12 September 08 :: #

Salaam Akaikum,

I know others have already stated this, but Muslim women are forbidden to marry non-Muslim men! It’s extremely harm, women are not like men, they are weaker than men. Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women because men are the protectors of women. It’s also a sin for women to pretend to be men and vice versa. Muslim men won’t become as influenced by their non-Muslim wife. Whereas I have witnessed many Muslim women falling prey to the ways of their non-Muslim husband. Why place yourself in such a situation?

Sister, don’t put yourself in harm’s way. You must understand if you had children and they do not have a Muslim father then there less likely to follow the deen and grow to be Muslims. You as a women will not have as much influence on your children as a Muslim father would. The children follow their father’s religion because they will be more afraid of him, and respect him more than the you. You know this to be true with your own father and mother. The father always has more authorithy.

Be careful, because women who do this are no longer Muslims, they have left Islam.

Your sister’s “successful” marriage to a non-Muslim is simply a fluke. Don’t let her and others sway your deen, be strong and just have a little more patience.

Inshallah Allah will provide you a good Muslim husband to love and protect you.
Noor at 12 September 08 :: #

If that’s not the most misogynistic and ridiculous statement I have ever read….women are not weaker than men and I am not even going to argue something so silly. Talk about living in the dark ages.
Tee at 13 September 08 :: #

It’s late and I’m supposed to be sleeping so I don’t exactly know why I’m here. I get to the hijabi man through the hijabi who’s happy. Hijab hijab everywhere, is this somehow Ramadan related?

Ok don’t mind me, I just mentioned the time. Or I didn’t, whatever, it’s late. So I just read some of your marriage posts and the comments and you’re to blame if I don’t function right tomorrow. I’ll be glucose-depleted and sleep-deprived. The ‘and’s’ supposed to be italicized but I can’t do it here, is this wordpress?

You’re asking come on already do you have anything of substance to say? I don’t. I never do, it’s just this marriage issue is such a messed up one and when it comes to our stone age mindset, of course we’re bound to run into problem after problem after problem.

Thankfully, I rarely thought of marriage growing up. Instead I focused on my career and whatever it was I did in my daily life. Read, play, travel, spend time with family and friends and if along the way I meet someone whom I befriend first and things then move onto a deeper level then why not if that’s what we want?

So with that way of being I cut off needless worry of ever finding someone worthy of spending time with. He was not a necessity, but an excitement, (does that make sense?) not bread in my book, but dessert on my table. (Is it really that late?)

Now I think not many people can afford looking at it that way, I mean sure, when you’re 20 and at college, full of wonder for life, finding a soul mate may be somewhere on your to-do list but not something to worry about if he/she doesn’t show up right then and there. But at 40, unless social support isn’t your thing, solitude can stab at that heart real bad.

Again, relationships, soul mates, marriage, anything and everything that has to do with finding and being with your one and only and maintaining a healthy balance of a soul expanding and mind growing relationship is truly dependent on those involved.

It’s what my recent life tells me. I met someone in a rather surprising setting, at the you-can- say-very-wrong-time. But it happened. It happened when least expected. Someone from a different culture/background, but same religion. We have in common what we view as being fundamental to the progression of our beings. We share the same set of values and principles which have played a role in shaping how we view ourselves, each other and the world around us. We don’t like playing the traditional gender role game, but if we want to we can and will. I’m surprised people don’t like the idea of a wife who cooks and a husband who works. I mean, when you’re single don’t you cook and clean and work too? When sharing time and space with someone don’t people have certain responsibilities? I’ll work outside and when I come back home I’ll cook if someone else hasn’t, when I get married and I’m working I’ll still cook when I get home when my husband’s still out at work, because hey, we’ve got to eat. (And he’s doing the same.) And unless we’re planning on living in a stable someone’s doing the cleaning, (me, him, together, or someone paid to do it.) But if we decide someone’s staying at home because they’re pregnant, giving birth, or raising monsters, then we should be able to do so without upsetting all sorts of camps out there, the ones with too much nonsense and time on their feet.

In the end though, we need balance in all areas of life. Sharing life with someone dear gets the same rules applied to it, live, love, work, clean and cook and all that and do it together, and for happiness don’t just say the word balance but do walk that golden road of moderation. It’s a much more scenic route : ) Oh my God the ADD took overrrr, ok, ermm, yea, let me really end this, I’m typing and typing and I have no idea what I’m saying. So before I go, you really want life with that special person? Be who you are, not who your culture says you should be or what your parents think is the ideal being and when you meet him/her you’ll know. I always said, friends first, lovers always. : )

As I can see and as someone else already pointed out, many here share the same views, get together, get to know each other, not for marriage but for friendship and you never know what comes of i. I won’t say marry a Jewish guy/girl because they don’t share our cultural bull, but I’ll say marry someone who’s not enslaved to the traditional ewwy way of viewing love, marriage and life; namely mahr, money, prestige, bull, bull, more money, and then divorce.

Ok, I was leavingggg, then I thought I can’t just leave and have divorce as the last word, it’s too depressing. So, yea, friends first, lovers always : )
Ramadan Mubarak!: )

I’ll be back! (May I? :P)
Umm Uthaymeen at 18 September 08 :: #

Rawiya, keep looking for a wonderful practising muslim man, because they still exist regardless of what you are led to believe… Also as for your sisters, the first one, hopefully that man realized the wonderful religion of Islam and converted for himself and not for her, because you must have faith to be muslim and not just because you said “I bear witness…” and your other sister Zainab, Unfortuntaly its sad to say, but that isnt a marriage, thats just fornication.. sad to say, but it seems like everybody is living in a dream world.. ALLAH brought the deen and hukm, and we are to submit to it, and Allah says They are not lawful (wives) for the unbelievers, nor are the unbelievers lawful (husbands) for them… (Al-Mumtahina:10)
Thats the faith of Islam, if you dont agree, then you need to check your faith…
Someone at 18 September 08 :: #

Umm,

I don’t agree. And maybe you should check your head. :)
dyvrjaaajn at 19 September 08 :: #

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Anon at 22 September 08 :: #

to someone, just because you disagree with someone doesn’t mean they should get there head checked, perhaps its you who needs to get your head checked =)
Osman at 25 September 08 :: #

All relationships have their bumpy times. I’m just glad to finally see the emergence of Western Pashtun Muslims.

Welcome! This site serves two main purposes: to entertain and educate the Believing and curious community, and to generate a bit of cash—God willing. But there’s a lot more about HijabMan.

"Marry a Jewish man. They're kosher. The other white meat." (Guest Post)

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