• home
• about
• shop
• archive
• tumblr
• photos
• contact

Social Anxiety (Part II) Methods

by HijabMan :: posted 29 October 06

This is a continuation of Social Anxiety Part I. Read that first.

In the last post I introduced you to my problem with social anxiety. Sometimes that anxiety helps to keep me home at night. In my college years, I made a conscious effort to “fix” things. I should give you context though, so….

I was privileged enough to attend an Outward Bound trip immediately after turning 15 before starting the 10th grade. That was when I wrote this, and flew to Maine to spend 14 days with 11 strangers hiking, canoeing, and rockclimbing on and around the Appalachian trail. Being forced to communicate and work with people my own age was quite frightening for me. One of the things that always bothered me was pronouncing my name. No one ever got it, so I used an easy, well-known name. Apu. ( Method One: create a character, use an accent, mimick (a very basic method, fyi)

When I think back, it’s funny, but at the time, mimicking a character and speaking in a South Asian accent gave me the little confidence I needed to function socially. After it was all over, the two counselors described my perfomance as exemplary, but suggested that I should’ve used my real name.

I think of that experience as the catalyst for my becoming more socially “okay.” I continued chatting on-line upon my return, but also began to speak with on-line friends on the phone, even handing the phone off to my mother. My first internet visitors came soon after that. I like to think of it as graduating from a rather rudimentary form of communication (chatting) to higher forms (phone and eventually in-person).

In October of my first year in college in Amherst, Massachusetts, I saw a flyer for a trip to the World March of Women 2000 in Washington, DC. On the way to the first meeting, I turned around a couple times and and almost went home. I knew I would regret it, so I tried my best to turn off the voice in my head, and forced myself into that room full of women. ( Method 2: just jump in. it’s the scariest method of all)

After a few successful times diving into the deep end, one finds that those five minutes of awkward feelings always turn into feelings of joy, elation, fulfillment, and friendship. This was no exception. I spent 10 hours in a van with these women and they made me feel right at home.

Two years later, before I left for Cairo, I was given a list of 200 e-mail addresses of my co-Study Abroad people. Without thinking I quickly made a yahoogroups list with those 200 email addresses. Upon my arrival in Egypt I found that I had 200 instant friends. I didn’t know anything about Egypt at the time, but found myself being the go-to guy for a bunch of things. In short, that gave me a purpose. If I have some sort of duty in regards to myself or someone else, I find it easier, because I’m not thinking of the social situation, I’m thinking of getting the job done. ( Method 3: give yourself a job, personal, or for someone else. Method 4: make yourself well-known before the interaction takes place)

Besides these more difficult methods, I also take “baby steps” (What About Bob? Anyone?). For instance, Baby Step 1: I like to arrive 30 minutes before gatherings, so I’m settled in, and others have to approach me. In that way, I don’t have to make the first move. Baby Step 2: Give yourself a job. Mine is usually the unofficial photographer (See Method: Duty). Baby Step 3: Lines. I have certain “lines” I use ( no, not those kinds of lines, you cashew nut! ). For instance, the first people I usually approach at a gathering are people who are working. Last night, at my sister’s wedding, I approached the lone guy serving juice behind a bar. He saw me approach and smiled, as is his job. He made that first move, and so the pressure was off. So, I used my line, “You’re all alone over here, thought I’d keep you company.” He chuckled, as is his job, and continued the conversation. It’s the kind of short, sweet interaction I need to get my blood flowing.

For me, if someone makes that first move, a seemingly insignifcant smile, I am able to respond. It gives me a bit of an adrenaline boost, I feel good about myself and it serves to carry me to the next conversation.

Baby Step 4: The buddy. A few years back my brother wondered why I was so unhappy attending my cousin’s wedding. One of the things I explained to him was how it is very much a “couples” scene. He has a wife. If I had a buddy, someone I am truly comfortable with next to me, they help me branch out. (See Six Flags Post) And

Baby Step 5: I have something I like to call a “hero-complex.” As a child riding the school bus, I would imagine the bus tipping over and plans to save certain people. If I’m in a gathering, and I see someone that looks bored or uncomfortable, I become the “hero” and try to include them. Remember the “Duty Method?” There you go. And my Aamir-Khan-Bollywood-Dreams come true. Hahaha. Last night, it was as simple as saying, “Hey X, come sit over here.” Remember the “Lines?” There you go. It’s all coming together now.

Beyond the actual interaction, people often ask me about content.
HijabMan, how can you be so open?

I’ll let you in on a little secret: If I share the same thing once it’s a bit scary. If I keep sharing that one thing, it’s easy. So it’s easy to talk about my experience with depression as a teen; easy to speak of the duality of existence between my parents home and the outside while growing up; easy to speak of those times I did something stupid, because 1. I feel it’s my duty to share (even my faults) and hope that someone learns from them (See Autobiography of Malcolm X), and 2. It’s like with anything you “practice.” If you share something enough times, you are more comfortable and at peace with those things. It’s still hard for me to speak about social anxiety. But this is the beginning of my practice. Soon I’ll have phone conversations asking people if they ever feel the same.

Looks like I’ve gone through most of my major and baby methods. But there is one that I intentionally left out; the Method-That-Trumps-Them-All: Taqwa.

If I keep in mind the concept of taqwa, or “God-consciousness,” I understand that there is nothing worthy of fear except God. Fear of social interaction, the future, a missed opportunity, becomes a clear form of shirk, or associating a partner with God.

Let me explain that further. If nothing is worthy of fear except God, and I am fearing social interaction, I am implying that social interaction is worthy of fear. And therefore associating an attribute of God with something insignificant.

This seems to be why when I’m spiritually not in the best of spirits, I’m less socially inclined as well.

| share on delicious | digg | reddit | facebook | stumbleupon |

Related Articles
Where I've Lived...
100 things... Part 2
100 Things About HijabMan
Yasmine tagged me, so...
Muslim Personals: HijabMan

1. deeba at 29 October 06 :: #

   I can’t remember the situation, but the best bit of advice you (or anyone else for that matter) gave me was that I have no one to fear but Allah. I used to try to talk myself out of the anxiety, but I would still end up clinging to my insecurities. So I tried elementary method 2, there isn’t enough time to gradually ease into your personal comfort zone, and ultimately you are too far in to pull out or know you will feel that you failed if you miss that one chance.

   I can’t give you a testimonial and say, “I am 100% social anxiety free, I am outgoing, confident, and popular!” But I can say that I am a little less hesitant to try to rationalize or perhaps fictionalize possible scenarios. I feel a more comfortable about going out there and doing my thing, because even if I fail, I tried, and ultimately, I fear Allah more than an awkward silence.

2. tiktiki at 29 October 06 :: #

   Thanks for the post— I liked your different methods for dealing with social situations. I also struggle with social anxiety, especially when I feel like my level of intelligence is on display. Anyhow, one thing that I can recommend that is helpful is the freeze framer, or the emwave from the institute of heartmath. It might sound hokey at first, but check out the website and maybe some of their books http://www.heartmath.org I’m not affiliated with them in any way, other than the fact that I own a freeze framer, so this isn’t spam.

3. Saadia at 30 October 06 :: #

   “If nothing is worthy of fear except God, and I am fearing social interaction, I am implying that social interaction is worthy of fear. And therefore associating an attribute of God with something insignificant.”

   I also have social anxiety among other things but I never thought of my fears in that manner. Makes you question why you even fear such things. And the answer of course is…there is no reason.

4. b. at 30 October 06 :: #

   Salaam;

   Much food for thought (and excellent advice! :)). Jazak Allah khair.

5. N at 30 October 06 :: #

   Salaam, “do not fear for fear only generates uncertainty. instead, accept the challenge and face that fear with headstrong certainty.”

6. Aaisha Shaikh at 7 November 06 :: #

   It’s funny how I still use all 5 of the baby steps, because they are the only things that keep me grounded. Especially when I have to go into a room full of people I don’t know. I feel that I have begun to look socially capable, but it’s the oddest think when I feel that I would much rather just run away and cry, or have a magic door just open in front of me so that it would just transport me away from the room. Anything. But alhumdulillah, college was a huge blessing since this is one of the very few times I met friends that I could feel safe with. Now that I think about it, that feeling of terror, insecurity, and just not being ‘normal’ enough leads to the ‘hero’ step. You see a person that is standing off to the side, and you know what it feels like to be them. On the inside, you still ARE them. So now that I am a bit stronger, it hurts me to see that person off to the side, to know that they feel like the outsider and no one is trying to help. This is my way of helping the person, and to help heal myself.

   Anyway, enough of my rant. Thanks for the post. It was beautiful, as is a good portion of your work mashaAllah :)

7. Aaisha Shaikh at 7 November 06 :: #

   PS – But those steps tend to start to falter when you show up a bit early to meet someone, and they are late. Then you are sitting in a cafe surrounded by people in groups, waiting for the person so you can order and look like you belong there, all the while feeling like you stick out like a sore thumb. This is when a good book or your laptop becomes an ultra blessing. It gives you something to do. Alhumdulillah for a good book :) Yet another reason to carry one with you.