The Creative Excuse Card

by HijabMan :: posted 14 October 99

Everytime I get an excuse card (when absent from school, you have to get parents signature, reason for sickness, etc) I usualy write 1-2 page essays on why I was absent. So on Monday (the 12th) I wrote up a an excuse card entry (its at the bottom), and I handed it in. Apparently, word spread and my guidance counselor got to read it. Good way to impress people, out of the ordinary. Even if your intent is only to amuse. Yesterday I visitted my guidance counselor and gave her a 2 page summary of me. See, about a month ago, they gave us (students) this piece of paper with about 6 boxes on it. We were told to list our activities in them so our counselor could write a recommendation for us. I thought, “bullshit, how is someone suppose to write about me when all they know of me is a list of activities.. no explanations etc” So I wrote up “Yusuf.. the condensed form.” Today, this morning actually, I got ready fast and went outside at about 5:30 AM. It was extremely dark, and clouds were moving fast. Wind gusts up to 45 miles/hour (im guessing). I love the wind.. so I just stood/sat around and let the wind flow through my clothes.. watching the immense line of dark clouds move eastward. The paperboy, with his bike, road up onto the lawn of a house across and to the left of us. He dropped a newspaper, and the Business, Life, and Front pages flew away from him. With a sudden burst of adrenaline, I lept up and ran straight ahead, pumping my legs fast. I intercepted the flying newspaper sections and grabbed them before they could get away, just like a tennis-ball boy. Walking coolly over to the paper boy I nodded as he said thanks, and walked (bounced) back to my porch, feeling very good about myself. After school, on the bus back home, I laid my head on the window. BAM! Some dumbass actually hit the window, which hit my head, which caused me to wake up. What kind of person would do that, from what I saw of him/her, they were alone. So they weren’t doing it to be “cool.” Although i was woken up from my nap, I wasn’t very mad. I’m not very aggressive. I am very patient. It’s very hard for me to hit someone, let alone touch someone. In 9th grade, these two kids sitting behind me on the bus chewed on Doritos, and spit the pieces into my hair. This happened throughout the bus ride (30 + minutes). Needless to say, I was daydreaming about holding a knife to their neck and asking if they had a deathwish… all I did was sit like that for the whole ride… a girl sat next to me, she had no idea what was happening, what the hell was I suppose to do. I wanted to beat the shit out of them… but again.. im not aggressive…. i sat there as they spit orange shit in my hair. I have a strongly held belief that patience is the key to many things, whereas violence and rage just makes you act irrationally, and just plain stupid. I kept my head, and just wondered what makes it so amusing for someone close to becoming legally an adult to spit saliva filled doritos into someone’s hair? I don’t know… i’m beginning to think we should start caning all people who enjoy hurting other people. Seriously. Lets pull a Michael Fay, and cane them. And now, the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but for the longest time I’ve had a crush on Lady Aberlin from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood (Mr. McFeely just wasn’t my type?)

Here’s what I wrote for the excuse card:

“THE ATTACHED” Why was I absent from school? I decided to build a boat out of toothpicks. What color was this boat? It was blue, blue with green poca-dots. I decided to sail this boat across the Atlantic, bringing lots of oranges with me to prevent scurvy. Fortunately the wind whisked me away, and before I knew it, I was drifting with the easterly current through the Strait of Gibraltor. While doing this however, I spotted a banana-shaped gondola. As I took a closer look, I recognized my good friend Reed in the gondola, for some odd reason he was trying to paddle the narrow boat with three badminton rackets. If you are familiar with this type of racket, you would know that a badminton racket has lots of holes in it, and probably wouldn’t do anything to propel any type of boat, let alone a yellow gondola with a guy named “Reed” in it. I decided to get as far away from him as possible, and ended up in the country of Tunisia. As I pulled my boat up onto the beach, five bald chimpanzees and a 3-legged parakeet resembling Mothra from the old Godzilla movies, ambushed me, tied me to a tree, and ate my boat. As they ate the boat, I laughed hysterically, knowing full well that they would start twitching uncontrollably and eventually die due to the toxins in the blue paint. Half an hour passed and as I suspected, the chimpanzees as well as the disformed parakeet, passed. But there was still one problem, I was tied to a tree. Luckily, a native Tunisian woman who heard my cries for help, untied me. Later I found that her name was Layla (as in the Eric Clapton song), what a beautiful name, I thought. She had never met a foreign man before, not only that, but she was also single, and was ready to get married. How convenient. The next logical thing to do would be to get married and fly to the island of Java (around Southeast Asia). But I’m not a logical person, really! I’m not. I left Layla, and decided to hike across Africa to Morocco. There I smoked something called a hookah, I’m pretty sure its the equivalent of a “bong” in the US. Don’t worry its fully legal, and they come in different flavors like vanilla, and apple! nifty, huh? By this time I was pretty tired, so I jumped back into the Atlantic and started swimming for shore, letting a variety of fish nibble on my toes. Eventually, a giant squid was attracted by the mass of fish nibbling at my toes, and devoured me whole. Little did the squid know that I tasted like paprika. Important note: Squid don’t like parsley, paprika, or basil. The squid regurgitated me, and in doing so, projected me through the air at an amazing speed. At approximately 10:42 PM, I landed safely on my feet in Quebec, just in time to catch a taxi to my house. Plenty of time to recover and come to school the next day, wouldn’t you say?

To whomever it may concern: Why be sick, when you can build a blue boat (with green pocadots), eat lots of oranges, meet a guy named Reed trying to paddle a yellow Gondola with 3 (yes 3) badminton rackets, witness 5 bald primates and a 3 legged parakeet eating paint covered wood, get rescued by a Tunisian woman named after an Eric Clapton song, smoke something vanilla flavored, and get violently spit out by a giant squid somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean? Huh? Answer me that?! Thank you, and I hope this is considered an EXCUSED absence, why? Simply because it was EDUCATIONAL, that and the fact that I took the time to write this up just to entertain you. (lyrics to LAYLA by Eric Clapton provided on the back)

Welcome! This site serves two main purposes: to entertain and educate the Believing and curious community, and to generate a bit of cash—God willing. But there’s a lot more about HijabMan.

The Creative Excuse Card

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