The Muslim Marriage Crisis Rears It's Ugly Head Or Bio-Data Gone Bad

by HijabMan :: posted 29 July 08

UPDATE: Shabana Mir has now posted the full version of the article I discussed earlier. It is well worth the read. She even unveils the big elephant in the room that no one wants to discuss. S.e.x.

“In social reality today, men are not dominant in the marriage relationship. The rationale of historic rule is no longer valid,” he said. “But people are not willing to accept this. This is a major source of tensions.” – Abdullahi Ahmed An-Na’im, Source

Sometimes, when I’m with my almost-five-year-old niece Tumti, I pretend to be a character I came up with named Chacha Monster (literally: [Paternal] Uncle Monster). I’ll stomp around the house dramatically chasing after her, roaring, “Chacha monster is going to getchuuuuuuu!” as she screams/laughs and runs all over the place.

And sometimes, I want to do the same thing when I’m with a group of adult Muslims or at a Muslim convention. You do not know how badly I want to stomp around a convention center during the Islamic Society of North America’s national convention (40,000 people in attendance) calling myself the MUSLIM MARRIAGE MONSTER and rawring like a T-Rex.

Can you imagine? Oops, too late! The Muslim Marriage Monster was caught on youtube the other day

(Quick thank you to Anjali of Baltimore, MD for playing along)

Right after I started writing this, I was made aware of my good friend Dr. Shabana Mir’s piece, “It’s Not Raining Eligible Muslim Men in which she describes what I have labeled the Muslim Marriage Monster. And you thought I was kidding? This ain’t no Big Foot, we have solid evidence of this Monster. I may have video, but Dr. Mir has some cold hard facts:

In New York, Daisy Khan arranged a Valentine’s Day event for Muslim singles. Fifteen men and sixty-three women showed up. The “surplus” of women is indeed an issue. Many Muslim women would say, sarcastically, that the surplus is more specific—of smart, mature, beautiful, professional women.

As many of you know, almost all of my Muslim friends are women. Ninety-nine percent of them are single and actively looking or have given up on trying to find a spouse. They have found that the pool of eligible Muslim guys has dwindled. In fact, I would not be surprised if some of those fifteen men who showed up to Daisy Khan’s event were of the variety that my female friends have described to me in the last week.

“It was like talking to a brick wall,” I heard just yesterday.

My friend Tahira had a more dramatic meet up about a week ago with a Muslim guy who picked her up while drunk, making obnoxious and lewd gestures throughout the evening.

Afaf knows what I’m talking about, she’s the topic of this article in Southern California’s InFocus:

“I tend to meet two types [of men],” says Maryam*, 28, who has also been searching for a mate since college. “The first is the practicing Muslim brother who has his act together, but unfortunately has some really incompatible ideas about women and gender roles. The second type I meet is progressive and open-minded and is truly looking for a partner in life, but is not a practicing Muslim.”

So, what’s the problem? Why is this happening? And what is happening more often?

While Mir is not the biggest fan of women marrying outside the faith, she does see it happening more often. She continues by suggesting that the lack of eligible Muslim men, the Muslim institutions with their segregated spaces, among other things, will lead to a shift in how some young Muslims navigate this situation.

Inevitably, single status will also change some Muslim women’s approaches toward chastity and sexuality. Boys have always been boys, but American Muslim women have been relatively sexually chaste, if anecdotal evidence and observation is to count. Recently I have heard of a Muslim group I will not name that has permitted single women to sleep with men (under the category of dire sexual need).

Notions of religiosity, chastity, and identity in the Muslim community will change under pressure of these circumstances. Notions of difference–for instance “Muslims do not date like regular Americans”–and notions of self and other will also change.

I just had to quote that whole ending. It was just too good.

In light of all of this, I’ve invited some of my female friends to guest post about their experiences and/or thoughts on the issues related to finding a spouse. In the coming days, you’ll see what they had to say. Men are also welcome to contribute, though I’m the only one who has volunteered so far.

MuslimDad at 29 July 08 :: #

Insightful, and highly relevant to my own situation. I have found the opposite – as a single muslim father of 3, where do I go to find a muslimah who wants a good man who wants to take her to heaven? It’s tough to meet people – especially when those of us born/raised outside of our parents country of origin have for the most part forsaken the dominant culture for something less culture based and more Islam based.
HijabMan at 29 July 08 :: #

I’ll link you soon MD, Gotta do some upkeep with my site. You still good for that offer of leop?

Hope you and the kids are well. I miss them much.
Shaheed at 29 July 08 :: #

I would disagree – I think the number of practicing muslim women who understand Islam is dwindling. I think most men avoid going to marriage events as those tend not to be places to find a good wife. I know alot of practicing muslim men who may be involved in other Islamic groups that women aren’t active in (Tableeghi Jamaat, madrasas, Urs, etc).

The whole feminist movement has destroyed their understanding of what a woman is supposed to be. They don’t want husbands who aim to be like Rasulullah S and the sahabas… they want husbands that let them do what they want.

I think on the Day of Judgment… men will be sorry for marrying most of these women as they won’t help a person get closer to Allah.
HijabMan at 29 July 08 :: #

Shaheed, I’m going to respectfully disagree with you.

In your opinion, I probably don’t understand islam well either. After all, I invite women to lead prayer in my house, I don’t believe hijab is a commandment of God, and I consider myself a radical feminist.

I also think that being active in an Islamic group has nothing to do with anything. In fact, women are generally given a backseat role in islamic groups. Just yesterday, my sister moved to naperville. If a woman can’t expect to even see the imam, and is asked to pray in a closet, well, then, I don’t expect women would want to come to the mosque in the first place. Shaheed, if you want women (AND MEN) to be excited about hanging out in Muslim spaces, those Muslim spaces should be friendly, accomodating, and warm.. FOR EVERYONE.

I will never step foot in that Naperville mosque again. I will never pray in a mosque where they put women in another room, or partition them off. I’d rather pray outside, where God reigns.

Pardon my rant. I have no more tolerance for Muslim men who think the Sunnah is a fashion show, or is about being part of some club, or think that they, and no others, understand ‘proper’ islam.
KufiGirl at 29 July 08 :: #

Shaheed, I could take issue with many statements you have made here, but I’ll limit myself to “they don’t want husbands who aim to be like Rasulullah…”

Muhammad’s relationship with the women in his life was one of the first things that attracted me to Islam.

He was first and foremost friends with all his wives. This is palpable even reading about his life 1,400 years later.

He was not insecure around them: he joked back and forth with them and took it in stride when they sometimes teased him. He took it for granted that they would participate in public space.

He would defend them when they were slandered by outsiders. He told his male friends and followers to respect their understanding of religion and view them as a source of knowledge.

He was not obsessed with virginity or innocence; he married more than one widow. He didn’t badger them until they produced boy babies. He said to look to a woman’s religion and character before her beauty or her wealth — although he married non-Muslim women himself, too, believing in the importance of creating alliances across faiths.

He was also romantic, and plainly human. The way he is described to have mourned Khadija feels very real to me, even today.

I have always felt that Muhammad just genuinely liked women. Not in a creepy way, as he’s often portrayed by those hostile to Islam, but that he had an honest and sincere appreciation for female company. He was not afraid of them, not disdainful of them, and didn’t have preconceived ideas of what they should offer him: he accepted them on their own terms, with all their differences and shortcomings. Above all, he saw them as trusted confidantes. Who was the first person he went to after being visited by Gabriel in the cave? Whose advice did he take when deciding whether or not he should tell others about these visions?

Of course I can’t speak for every woman on the planet, but I believe these are qualities most women seek in a husband. It’s a shame they seem some days to be in such short supply.
Shaheed at 29 July 08 :: #

Hijabman: We can agree to disagree… but I’d like to point out that Islam is not what you or I think it is. It is what Rasulullah S taught us… and if you think he is more like you and shares your opinions and values, than continue. If you think he wouldn’t than you must change your thoughts.

Sometimes people have the tendency to make their desires into their religion. It’s not about your desires, its about what is right and what is wrong in Allah’s eyes. Rasulullah S embodied those characteristics. In modern day, we have to many people trying to use their illogical minds to justify what they believe to be right. Be careful you are not making that mistake. The word Muslim means “one who submits to Allah.”
Shaheed at 29 July 08 :: #

Kufigirl: Without a doubt, Rasulullah S was the best of all men (and all creations) and treated his wives better than anyone. All men need to learn from his example and work on trying to be like him in every aspect.

In the same respect, women need to work on being like Hazrat Khadeeja R, Hazrat Fatima R, and all the mothers of the believers. There is alot to learn from their example: their manners, their way of interacting with others, their level of character and honor. No one can surpass them. In modern day, you don’t find to many women who have studied their lives, who strive to be like them, and who have made them their heroes.

I would like to point out that many men misuse examples to manipulate what they want from women, not what Allah wants. I strictly condone such behavior, I do not think that is what pleases Allah and His Rasool S. At the same time, many women completely refuse to acknowledge the fact that the righteous women are devoutly obedient to their husbands (4:34). Some have tried to re-invent Islam to fulfill their desires – fully aware that this goes against the teachings of Rasulullah S. People need to be honest with themselves and submitting their will to Allah and not their nafs.

If you are in Chicago, please come to Sheikh Hussain’s events – www.sacredlearning.org. You will find many men there who are sincerely striving to be like Rasulullah S in character and actions.
non at 29 July 08 :: #

freudian slip: I strictly condone such behavior
TMoney at 29 July 08 :: #

I think, as some have commented on your Facebook, that it’s an issue surrounding our transitional generation navigating huge shifts in social and religious standards.

To frame the discussion, I think it is important to point out that it’s probably to the exclusion of indigenous black Muslims who have existed before immigrants and will, probably, exist after, regardless of our general (and reprehensible) negligence of them.

That said, having been cut loose from the parent nations from whence we hail and experiencing Islam anew through, often, personal study, we have a completely brand new generation of “ways” of approaching Islam and Western life. (Some are decidedly wrong, for instance, like your stance on offering women to lead, which has no textual evidence except for the limited situation of the woman appointed to lead specifically in her home where a man capable to lead was not present.)

Now, for this hodge-podge and makeshift attempt to forge a new generation (which our parental generation did not put any forethought into) to lead to anything but disarray is quite expected.

I also believe people have become really picky and subjective in their interpretation of what is acceptable and what is not. This is a natural outcome of a lack of general knowledge and a lack of any useful leadership in our communities. People, for instance, want things in their spouses that they don’t embody themselves. This needn’t be limited to religious matters, but can be economic, social, or superficial.

For example, guys will often seek a supermodel when they’re quite average and have average income and an average prospective future. Men will also do stupid things like be intimidated by greater earning potential in a perfectly nice woman, although it is well-known that the rasul, upon whom be the peace and blessings of God, worked FOR his wife Khadijah, may God be pleased with her.

On the other hand, you might have a female who takes religion relatively seriously, let’s say she tries to pray, but maybe doesn’t make all of them, although, let’s say, she keeps zabihah. Perhaps she doesn’t wear modest clothing, according to the definitions of the relevant ayat on not showing the form of the physique, etc. Then she gets a guy who is nice in every other respect – tries to pray, goes to jumu’a, but let’s say he drinks or smokes sometimes. Now she’ll draw the line that that’s unacceptable when really it’s just a subjectively different manifestation of what she does. Is one really worse than the other? I can argue that yes, drinking is worse, but maybe that’s just his fitna and he’s “trying,” just like she is. Why is his marriageability penalized?

I also know a lot of sisters who had their fair share of clubhopping days and now want a nice guy and are shocked to not find one in that scene. I don’t know what to say to that. You see less dissatisfaction with men in the same position because men clubhop to get a clubhopper type chick, and they can find that. Women don’t seek the same in so doing. Even non-Muslim women will clubhop secretly seeking Mr. Right.

Overall, Javed, I think men and women are often too picky, both men and women are taking Islam with more casual seriousness and don’t look at holistic implementation, and both women and men are not, largely, accustomed to their prophetically described roles in the family.

I feel this goes back to knowledge and its actualization. Keep Islamically useless, unchallenging, or vain companionship and it rubs off on you and also makes it hard for you to recognize when a good thing passes you by or how often they do pass you by. Live a casually Islamic lifestyle and Allah sends you casually Islamic choices.

Anyways, this is turning into a rant. Here are my take home points:

Men don’t know their roles and rights. Women don’t know theirs. Parents are generally useless and impose cultural viewpoints over Islamic ones. Everyone thinks they know Islam, but most people don’t read Qur’an daily nor know the biography of the prophet well enough to bolster their personal life actions day-to-day. Young urban Muslims and college grads are success-driven on the Western academic, financial/assets model and so are their parents. Everyone is realizing too late (or not realizing) that they should’ve gotten married, on average, 4 years ago and have been wasting their time going to Cheesecake Factory and putting the pics on Facebook.

Every man, woman, and child for themself. Good luck out there…and God bless. Cuz that’s the only way we’re going to have any decent families in the coming generations.
Muslim father.... at 29 July 08 :: #

As a father of four boys, I pray that ALLAH (swt) reward them the insight of seeing the beauty of sharing their lives with a Muslim sister. As an indigenous Muslim man I was never given the opportunity to develop halal relationships with Muslim sisters. I think that it is crucial that we figure out ways for our children to develop crushes and such for each other to help foster the sense among our young men that the sisters are actually women, and not nuns.

As far as the comment above regarding the feminist movement, we brothers should not be afraid of Muslim sisters that challenge us in a halal and respectful way to be better men! Feminism tends to be interpreted through the eyes of western ideals of life (usually to the benefit of men in some shape or form). As there is Islamic theology or Islamic philosophy, there is and should be an Islamic feminist ideology that strengthens a sisters deen and iman, and allows her to become a benefit to the ummah.

I think its quite obvious one of the ways the enemies of Islam are attacking the deen is through the women, and we need to encourage our sisters toward righteous, not rebuke them.
KufiGirl at 29 July 08 :: #

See, Shaheed, the fact that you would cite 4.34 out of all the verses in the Qur’an dealing with women is what I’m talking about here. I’m not arguing with the Qur’an, but I do question your immediate jump to the ONE verse that is, under some interpretations, seen as condoning domestic violence. When I hear a man say that I have to wonder, hm, what’s up with that?

But since you brought it up, let’s talk about it. The way I read 4.34 is that men, in the aggregate, have more strength than women, in the aggregate. This verse advises men not to abuse that power: to “protect and maintain women” as opposed to abusing and neglecting them. The rest of the verse tells men they have the right to expect loyalty from their wives even when they, the husbands, are not physically present. It made sense to spell this out in a tribal society where women had a great deal of loyalty to their own family of origin, and it makes sense now when there are so many things distracting both parties away from the partnership of marriage. As for the word “beat,” I don’t know enough Arabic to know which translation is correct, so I’ll leave that alone for now. At minimum I think most people agree that spousal abuse is far from the Qur’anic ideal.

I agree that Khadija and Fatima are (or should be) role models for women, but to reduce their influence to their manners and their obedience to their husband does a disservice to both the women themselves and to the prophet, who certainly had a deeper and more honorable relationship with women than just telling his wives and daughters what to do and then watching them do it.
MuslimDad at 29 July 08 :: #

Salaams MF,

I’m a bit confused. At the young age – when people ‘develop crushes’, they are very unlikely to be able to discern from infatuation/being smitten with someone’s personality, and being appreciative of their personality. This was my problem for sure, and it bit me in the butt (personality drifts, and character is least likley to do so).

I think that the point you are trying to make is captured in your last sentence of that paragraph – but I would append “or simply for sexual satisfaction”.

However, I feel like there’s a double standard in what I’m reading. At first hand we need to “encourage our sisters toward righteous” – however, in my own experience, it is often the brothers who need this support.

My own experience is (in the most part), that once a woman makes up her mind on her deen, that she becomes relatively solid in her faith, and extremely contemplative. My experience is that men who are solid in their deen are so because they have inertia, and when there is sufficient force, that they shift their religious momentum.

KufiGirl -> That was wickedly Awesome! Well said. Thank you.
TMoney at 29 July 08 :: #

KufiGirl, Shaykh Hamza’s CD on Men and Women has a good explanation of the verse. He talks about how rijal being “qawwamuna ‘ala an-nisa`” is seen as conditional to the man fulfilling his obligations to the woman. Of course, this is rarely seen as the case in situations where men exercise their so-called “right,” according to their often skewed knowledge or ignorance of the verse. Usually it’s just a ticked of male deciding to take matters into his own hands, literally.

Anyways, it’s in the context of nushuz, or gross and lewd disobedience, which is a completely other story and hardly applicable to context of our thread here.

Of course we know the hadith “do not beat the female slaves of Allah.”

KufiGirl, you also make a good point in your last paragraph. People should recognize how the wives of the rasul, upon whom be peace and blessings of Allah, argued and challenged him in ways that outsiders were shocked to hear, but which he most certainly permitted.

By the way, MuslimDad – brilliant point at the end. I completely agree and have noticed the same thing. Women when firm, have an intrinsically different capacity to stay on the straight and narrow as compared to men.
Farhan at 29 July 08 :: #

Wait are you serious about allowing women to lead prayer? Maybe I just missed the sarcasm.
daal chawal at 29 July 08 :: #

hijabman,

your response to shaeed’s comment, could not of made me happier. it brings me to a delite to see that there are still guys who do actually support women involvement in the mosque/prayers.

i live in a community that does something very similar to what your sister goes through at her mosque. Women at my mosque are not only boxed off in a seperate area, but the only way to see the imam is by this plasma screen set up on the womens’s side, which only displays the back of the imam while leading prayer…

It wasnt until now where i now know that what goes on at my mosque is only old fashioned desi customs, and what kind of muslims are we if we start to put out culture ahead of our beliefs?

thank you (everyone at the fourm) for making me more open to both sides of the situation, it opened my eyes alot.

and major props to you too kufigirl, i couldnt agree more with you on your defense on muslim women:)

peace.
monster victim at 29 July 08 :: #

Salaams,

As an under-25 divorced white convert soon to enter the professional world, your post very much speaks to me. As the number of single girls in my social circle shrinks, I’m starting to wonder about my future prospects and lifestyle options. It seems at a subconscious level, I’m beginning to prepare myself for a life of perpetual singlehood. Ironically, it seems that if this were to be the case, the community would end up pointing its finger at me for “going against the sunnah” (i.e., not [re-]marrying), rather than getting down to the source of the matchmaking crisis at hand.

I’m not sure if branching outside the faith to find a life partner would really be of benefit, as that would only alienate me from my already fragile network of Muslim friends.

All I know is that it seems the majority of the Muslim men in Chicago are piddling around at the community colleges while the sisters (including myself) are coming out with master’s and doctorates from well-respected institutions. This of course reinforces the widespread insecurity complexes experienced by the brothers (which leads to all the anger-management issues we’re seeing in Muslim marriages nowadays). It also contributes to many brothers’ obsessions with controlling their womenfolk, whether it be through emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. I’ve seen it and lived it (hence, the divorced status, alhamdulillah).

Who’s going to save us from the Muslim Marriage Monster? Eee-gads!

By the way, Naperville is right around the corner from where I’m currently finishing my internship. Has your sister tried the Lombard area at all for masjids? However, it seems the southwest burbs (and Chicago in general) can be a little tricky with regards to cultural segregation of Muslims.
Shaheed at 29 July 08 :: #

Kufigirl: I brought that ayat to specifically mention ayats that women have trouble accepting- You proved my point. My intention was not to show the domestic violence part of it (men usually take that out of context to satisfy their egos). Of all the ayats I have read that is the one where Allah specifically mentions roles (righteous women are devoutly obedient and men are responsible for them). Not many women respond to this ayat with “we hear, and we obey”... many try to fight this ayat.

FYI, a man is never allowed to beat his wife (it was something that seriously upset Rasulullah S in many hadiths). Only in the case of his wife being immodest or disloyal in front of other men can he admonish her first, refuse to sleep together, and finally hit her with a stick the size of a miswak on her wrists. The same word daraba (to hit) is the same word used to describe how to do taymum when hitting the ground for dust.

I’d also like to point out that segregation was done in the time of the Prophet S and is not a cultural thing. It is still done in masjid Nabawi and most other masjids across the world. In America, we try to change the religion to suit our needs and desires. This is not the way of Rasulullah S.
Sarah at 30 July 08 :: #

Shaheed – you keep talking as if there’s only One way to understand and interpret Islam, whereas the reality is and has always been that there are many ways to interpret many of Islam’s principles and practices, and two or more POV’s can be equally valid. Allah (SWT) knows best. Even the Sahaba themselves disagreed on many points. We’re human beings after all, with the ability to interpret and question on our own, and Islam does not insist that we shut off our brains. Throughout Islamic history, diversity of opinion in Islam has been celebrated, and it’s only recently with the rise of political Islam that this idea that there is only One way to understand it has gained popularity.

It’s important to be tolerant of other points of view. Just because according to you, modern Muslim women don’t follow the Sunnah the way You interpret it, doesn’t necessarily make their interpretation any less valid. We’re all trying to follow the Prophetic example the best we can – some interpret the social practices set forth by the Prophet (SAW) in his time as immutable regardless of different cultural contexts, others view these practices within their context and re-interpret their underlying principles for their own specific time and culture (this has been done in all societies to which Islam came).

For example, many well-respected Western scholars today are re-interpreting certain social practices in light of modern times. For example – women being able to travel without a mahram. This rule was set in place during the Prophet’s (SAW) time because of the chaotic nature of his tribal society. We now live in a stable society of relative safety, and so even conservative scholars like those on Sunnipath have agreed that it’s OK to travel without a mahram. I’m just using this as an example, but the idea of re-interpreting things in light of modern times is Nothing new to Muslim scholars, in fact it’s encouraged, and seen as irresponsible to blindly apply law without considering cultural circumstances. Seeing as marriage is a social practice, I think it should be looked at in its specific cultural context. I have heard many scholars re-interpret 4:34 in light of the American social context and state that beating one’s wife, even with a feather, is Haram, Period. In the Prophet’s time, due to the lack of social stability, the husband played the role that the state does today – that of protector and discipliner of his family. That’s no longer the case in modern day America – the state sets out to protect all its citizens, even from themselves, and therefore, these scholars argue, the man no longer has sole protecting and disciplinary rights over his family, and therefore, he cannot hit his wife. This is an interpretation – you might disagree with it, Fine. But it’s just a more nuanced way of looking at the Sunnah, and Allah knows best which interpretations are correct – perhaps many of them are, not just one.
rawi at 30 July 08 :: #

I don’t know how the discussion somewhat veered off the marriage topic, but just wanted to respond to the following:

“segregation was done in the time of the Prophet S and is not a cultural thing”

Depends on what exactly we mean by segregation. The historical evidence is ambiguous, and I think some of the limitations were imposed not by the Prophet ‘s’ but later by Omar ‘r’. The kind of segregation in mosques where women pray on the 2nd floor, or in the garage, or under roofs that drip water, and usually in secluded corners from where they can’t even see the imam—these kinds of situations I’m sure would not have been allowed by the Prophet. Just because most Muslims do something across the world doesn’t make it right, they could easily have gotten it totally wrong. Also, BTW, many things that were done in the Prophet’s time were “cultural things.” That’s not necessarily good or bad, I just think it’s important to understand that.

“In America, we try to change the religion to suit our needs and desires.”

We have the right to make this accusation, but what we shouldn’t do is to assume that the same isn’t true for people of all societies in all times. It’s a tad ridiculous to believe that somehow Islam always remained “Islamic” everywhere else until it came to 21st century America.
Sarah at 30 July 08 :: #

I just wanted to add to my previous post – which is already so long…(sorry) – and bring it back to the marriage crisis topic. Many American muslim men see no problem with the current Muslim culture as it is, with all its misogyny and misapplications of Islamic law/principle/practice, because they are not being oppressed by it. In fact, they have the upper hand in it. American muslim women on the other hand, are often oppressed by this culture, and so they are more willing to re-interpret Islamic principles with regard to marriage and gender roles in light of their culture context (sometimes it’s a matter of them simply holding onto their faith!).

I think the men (generally speaking, not all muslim men of course) are not as willing, or at least don’t see as dire a need to do this because they are not experiencing for themselves the negative side of maintaining the status quo. And so traditions that were once cultural and were later seen as religious – such as keeping women in the house, or making them submissive to the husband – continue. And the divide between muslim men’s ideas of gender roles and women’s just grows deeper and makes it harder for them to see eye to eye. I don’t want to marry a man who feels that just because he’s male, he can impose his will on me. Yet men want a woman who is willing to submit to that. The Prophet’s wives (RA) were not submissive, they challenged the Prophet (SAW) All the time, and he welcomed it. Why can’t muslim men today handle that? I believe someone in a previous post suggested Insecurity as an explanation. I agree.
Ahmed at 30 July 08 :: #

Sara said:

Many American Muslim men see no problem with the current Muslim culture as it is, with all its misogyny and misapplications of Islamic law/principle/practice, because they are not being oppressed by it. In fact, they have the upper hand in it. American muslim women on the other hand, are often oppressed by this culture, and so they are more willing to re-interpret Islamic principles with regard to marriage and gender roles in light of their culture context (sometimes it’s a matter of them simply holding onto their faith!).

I think this is rather ethnocentric of you to say. Muslim lands have traditionally been patriarchal; labels like ‘misogynistic’ and ‘oppressive’ are only so to people like us because our ideals our informed by our culture that, at least outwardly, professes gender equality. If we’re going to argue for interpreting Islam within the context of the land we live in, that is all fine and well. I welcome that. But please apply your same standards to the people of other lands. In Pakistan, for example, nothing would be so opprobrious about a man expecting his wife to conform to the traditional roles of a woman because such conduct has been normative for several hundreds of years in patriarchal Pakistan. If we have a valid right to question traditional gender role expectations in light of our socio-cultural context, then Muslims in the East have an equally valid claim to interpret Islam in light of their own socio-cultural context- whether we agree with what goes on there or not. For example, it’s almost necessary for both a husband and wife here in America to be active, mobile and employed; this is why we (rightfully) reject traditional gender roles because such a vision is incompatible with the way of life we know here (there are exceptions). However, to criticize other Muslims in the East and to throw labels at them like ‘misogynist’ because they are averse to having their women work, for example, presupposes that they live similar lives to us here, and that’s why I think such caricatures are inaccurate and ethnocentric. That being said, I do think you’re correct to point out the paradox of American Muslim men demanding their American Muslim wives to conform to certain spousal roles that may be at dissonance with our social reality here.
rawi at 30 July 08 :: #

Ahmed, you may have a point, but I fear that it takes cultural relativism to an extreme. The fact is, there are also people in the “East” who are contesting the traditions, i.e. there is a living debate. In other words, the cultural context there is at least somewhat heterogenous if not as much as it is in the West.

Moreover, and more importantly, we don’t question traditional gender roles merely in the interest of socio-cultural context, but rather in the interest of the victims. Misogyny is misogyny, it doesn’t matter where, nor whether we like the label or not.
salma at 31 July 08 :: #

my father told me that although he intentionally raised us (myself and my sisters) to make our own decisions and be independent, he didn’t realize it would be harder for us (mostly my sisters) to find partners. it’s funny, i think he gets it better than my mother— i think my mother is still hoping the “process” will work.
salma at 31 July 08 :: #

oh dear. i just read the above comments.

ahmed, as the daughter of a pakistani man, i am thankful that pakistanis are not the homogenous orientalist mass of people you paint them to be.

oppression does not have to do with culture. oppression manifests itself differently and negotiates differently according to different cultural contexts, yes, but oppression is not inextricably tied to “culture”. that is imperialist feminism at its worst.

and please, let us not assume that the “women of the west” or no less oppressed than the “women of the east.” every two minutes, a woman is raped in the u.s. gender oppression in the u.s. may look different in SOME segments of the population, but gender oppression even within the united states is not one specific type that applies to all women, trans, and genderqueer people. it’s different along religious, class, race, geographic lines, and intersects with various other systems.
struggle child at 31 July 08 :: #

assalamualaikum,

hijabman, as always your combination of youthfulness and wisdom brings a colorful light upon the truth. warm and refreshing, like a good cup of chai.

i have to admit, i haven’t perused the responses submitted above. but it is clear that this is a hot topic and one that evokes a wide range of reactions across the gender gap. since you’ve invited me to chime in on the subject, here i am…

as a muslim brother about to enter into marriage (inshaAllah), i’ve felt first-hand how this whole process can be quite a struggle. communication and understanding between a man and a woman can be a tortuous path requiring a great deal of patience and willingness to compromise. these traits are not things that we are commonly trained to bring to the table as teenagers; conversely, we tend to become impatient and inflexible as we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the years preceding the “wedding phase” of life. sitting on the guys’ side of the argument here, i’ll try to bring forth the perspective from the “male mind” for the audience.

let me just get this out of my system first that… well… most guys pretty much JUST DON’T GET IT. be forewarned, please, that the statements that follow do contain some generalizations but i consider these necessary to understand the nature of this issue.

i think that there are very few muslim brothers out there today who truly understand the value of companionship, the worth of a woman, and the important role that marriage plays in one’s emotional, physical, and spiritual health [let’s not forget psychological health, either]. i think the quote above from InFocus magazine was fairly accurate, that men today tend to be polarized into either (1) the group that are religiously focused but socially un-tuned to women and how to interact with them, or (2) those who are culturally muslim “by name” but tend to adhere to more mainstream western lifestyles centered around capitalism, hedonism, and plenty of other unhealthy -isms. in both cases, they lack the understanding of the beauty of a loving and respectful relationship between a man and a woman. instead, they see a relationship as either (1) a functional utility of life involving food, money, children, and sex or (2) just sex.

i think that this is the unfortunate product of some pretty funky melding of cultures east and west, muslim and non-muslim. our parents came here to earn a better life for their children, to make more money, to live that american dream. and, let’s be honest, a lot of our parents did pretty well alhamdulillah. many of our muslim communities consist of wealthy doctors and lawyers, engineers and such who knew how to work hard and make it here in america. the problem here is that while our parents figured out how to get us to keep our noses in our text books (or our Qur’an, for those who pursued the hifz/islamic school path) many completely missed the boat on creating a sound and sensible social foundation for this generation.

growing up with “the guys” really offers some major insight on how our system went wrong. for the most part the male gender tends to be less patient, less mature, and more engulfed in fiery rage of testosterone that makes us who we are. (quick disclaimer: yes, there are certainly quite a few sisters out there who are immature drama queens that have trouble keeping their hormones in check. i am not denying their existence. however, alhamdulillah, i’ve observed that this tends to be the minority. notably, though, it is this minority that often causes problems for those guys who can’t balance things in their heads.) muslim men often feel the need to offer some type of manisfestation of their manliness. this, too, is polarized. in appearance they may fall into either (1) the guys wearing shiny, snug-fit shirts which they have conveniently forgotten to button up to the top, with their sunglasses indoors and outdoors regardless of the presence of the sun, and hair slicked or spiked or arranged in some other attention-grabbing configuration, or (2) the guys with a full-on mullah beard, traditional eastern garb, kufi, miswak. the approaches are intended to generate two very different responses. group (1) is often on the seeking attention and on the offensive, group (2) tends to be of the opinion that girls are trouble and to be avoided and “astaghfirullah astaghfirullah!” this polarization is apparent in behavior, as well, with type (1) being loud, aggressive, and haughty, while type (2) might take an an ultra-conservative and socially withdrawn persona as a defense mechanism. let’s acknowledge, also, that there are of course intermediates within the personality spectrum which might include the sharply-dressed studmuffin who becomes socially awkward when it comes time to speak to a girl, or of course the womanizing hafiz who can be found at a local nightclub near you. yes, these combinations do all exist.

i’m through being silly now, let’s get to the flesh of the matter. in bridging the cultural and generational gaps, the nature of relationships and marriage has been thrown vastly out of perspective. and, while it is greatly the product of a short circuit between our modest muslim roots and the liberal west in which we live today, many muslims seem to forget that islam actually holds marriage in the highest regards. let’s not overlook the stories of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his affectionate treatment of his wives. so many men think that it is somehow a compromise of either their islam or their machismo to be soft of heart towards women, and of course their spouses in particular. but, if the best of examples was seen holding his wife’s hand, kissing her, or speaking to her lovingly… shouldn’t we be making an effort to emulate that? in a religion that preaches peace, modesty, moderation, love, respect, and understanding… it would only make sense that all of those elements be embodied in marriage, one of the most sacred blessings that Allah his given to man.

this is an incredibly complex and convoluted game that we play. but at the end of the day, a man’s pride often drives his actions moreso than anything else… including the deen. in fact, this is true of all men and women. pride is a disease that is the hardest to cure, like a cancer that spreads and fills our bodies. it affects us in the way we tailor our physical appearance and in the way we perceive others; it affects us in the way we speak and in the way we hear others; it affects us in the things that we truly pay attention to and those which we tend to ignore. inshaAllah, this is a disease that we can raise awareness of and work hard together to combat. but, how? it would be easy for me to say that it’s something that those of us who are sensible enough to make sense of the issue will be able to protect our children from and avoid in the next generation. but then i remember that this whole discourse has to do with finding a spouse NOW and what we can do to ensure we’re finding the right person NOW. so, let’s address that briefly.

it’s becoming quite clear today more than ever that muslims come in all shades of faith. many may look the part or claim to play the part, but truly Allah only knows what lies in their hearts. there is a trait, however, that is said to be indicative of a person’s true nature. this applies to both men and women, and i’d humbly advise that when one is seeking a companion — be it a friend, a spouse, a business partner, a male or a female — pay attention to their “firasa,” or the light in their heart. now i know this might sound a bit cheesy, but please bear with me… this will make sense in both a practical and spiritual framework. this is a lesson in becoming a good judge of character and seeking out those people who are truly genuine, who are sound of mind and sound of heart. watch their eyes, and they will be attentive. they will watch back in return, perceptively, paying attention and learning from what is around them. listen to their speech. they will speak properly, clearly and calmly. and respectfully. and, most importantly, they will listen to you. they will absorb your words and connect with what you have to say. what you say will be meaningful to them. you will know more about what is in the mind/heart of that person by the tone of their voice and the look in their eye than you will from their appearance. hair can be grown, a beard can be trimmed. but the tone of one’s voice comes from within. its calmness is a product of the soul. the softness in one’s eye comes from the peace within. there is a nice article on firasa found here:

http://maqasid.wordpress.com/2007/03/19/station-of-firasa/

may Allah make this journey easy on all of us, inshaAllah. may He help us to find spouses who are of sound mind and of peaceful heart. may He guide us to spouses who will help to make us better people worth of place in Paradise. may He fill us with firasa, that we may pay attention to the world in which we are immersed and truly learn from all that Allah has blessed us with. may He rid us of pride, and allow us to love, respect, and understand each other.

peace.
Noor at 8 August 08 :: #

Salaam Alykom,
There are a lot of brothers and sisters who really struggle with the marriage issue. I’ve heard a lot of complaints that the “men just won’t grow up” or “the women are b****es”. I think both sides need to grow up ( and yes, the men do need to grow up from what I’ve seen, and yes, the women can be very opinionated (but i like that!)). I think the mahr (dowry) some women are requiring these days are also severely hindering marriages. I know many of my husband’s friends (in Egypt) want to get married, but can’t because of truly outrageous demands (such as one or more apartments bought outright for upwards of 300,000 LE or about 60,000 USD, more gold then one really could ever need, full furnishings, etc). Both genders need to decide to do something about this issue (women agreeing to live in rented homes or with in-laws and men growing up and taking responsibility) and work together. There are some wonderful Muslimeen out there, but it takes an open mind.
Sarah at 13 August 08 :: #

Struggle child – Thanks for the post. I thoroughly enjoyed it, particularly the “silly” part… “the womanizing hafiz who can be found at a club near you” LOL

Noor – I agree that both men and women need to work together on this issue, otherwise it won’t get solved. Unfortunately, the fact that men can always go back to their motherlands and marry the kind of girl they may want (as opposed to us opinionated Western Muslim women) makes the marriage crisis less of a dire emergency in their case. It’s a situation that’s a lot more alarming for women, and so until somehow it becomes a major issue for the men, who knows when they are going to put in the effort to change it.
OmarG at 16 August 08 :: #

Lack of good Muslim men, my foot! I’m an amicably divorced muslim male, home owner, masters’ degree upcoming (in Islamic Studies, at a real uni no less!), business owner, single father of a pair of great kids, laidback yet religious, needing a smart woman who can keep up with me. And I can’t manage to find a muslim woman who will accept me. Its always something: my looks, my divroce (“must be something wrong with him!”), my Americanness (“He’s American and won’t stay Muslim, you know!”).

So, my question is: why are the smart Muslim women in the US so damn picky? Prince Charming is dead, sisters, so one of you will have to “settle” for me instead…

Welcome! This site serves two main purposes: to entertain and educate the Believing and curious community, and to generate a bit of cash—God willing. But there’s a lot more about HijabMan.

The Muslim Marriage Crisis Rears It's Ugly Head Or Bio-Data Gone Bad

Recent Articles

Featured Articles

Regular Guests

Photographs

Worthy Matter

HijabMan Shop

Archive By Tag

Favorite Links

Tumblr Widget