Two Hundred And Two Things About Me

by HijabMan :: posted 3 March 09

I’ve done this little meme thing several times over the last 10 years, so apologies for the length. It is only supposed to be 25. After you get to 100. You start repeating yourself. And feel kind of dirty. I don’t expect you to read it all :)

1. I used to work for Bernard Lewis’ girlfriend. Yes, I know Bernard Lewis is an old man. Yes, he has a girlfriend. Yes, she liked me and the work I did. Yes, I quit that job.
2. I’m the youngest of 3 children. My sister is 7 years older, my brother is a decade older. I was a spoiled child. I’d like to think I’ve changed a bit.
3. For the most part, I’m pretty shy, unless I’m in my “HijabMan” mode or with people I know, in which case I’m super silly. It also depends on where I am. For instance while in Damascus I shied away from many social situations, especially with those who speak English.
4. I traveled to Mecca all alone without a hotel reservation, and with all of my belongings at the time. I stayed there for 10 days. It was all due to a man I never met who got the Saudi Embassy in Cairo to write a letter saying I was a good Muslim boy.
5. While in Mecca, I met the brother of a famous Muslim boxer, and he invited me up to the top floor suite in the Mecca Hilton. It was quite luxurious, but I have to say I preferred my 35-Riyal a night room with air conditioning, a fridge, and a lizard companion.
6. According to Johny, the Manager of Euro Deli in Cairo, I eat there free. For life. Except when he’s not there.
7. My life, praise be to God, has gotten better every single day since I was 14. Not necessarily because the situation has gotten better, but because I would like to think that I try to stay positive.
8. I love fresh fruit juice. it’s one of my favorite things about traveling in the Middle East.
10. I also love being able to get books for cheap.
11. I used to iron my homework as a kid because I was embarrassed when turning it in wrinkled.
12. I also have a burn scar from trying to iron my homework.
13. I highly suggest buying a big bag of sweet, juicy oranges and handing them out to strangers. It’s an easy way to make friends, and even if you don’t make any friends, the smiles you receive will have you feeling high. Priceless. I was even proposed to by an old Egyptian woman after I threw one to her.
14. I’ve always dreamed of a “Believers” co-op house, full of laid back, but Believing, and practicing monotheists.
15. I can be a really arrogant prick at times.
16. Sometimes I dream with a narrator describing the events in the dream.
17. I’ve always wanted an MRI of my brain. I may do it somewhere abroad cause it’s cheap.
18. When I look in the mirror, I don’t believe what I see. I haven’t for the last 10 years. I get frequently asked if I’m Jewish.
19. Ahmed Brand Tea with some buckwheat honey and soy milk makes me happy
20. Some of my favorite places on Earth (so far) are the New White Desert, Egypt, Dahab, Egypt, Northern Maine, and Mendoza, Argentina.
21. My preferred mode of travel is bicycle, or vegetable-oil powered car.
22. My sister-in-law paid for me to get a pedicure and manicure after insisting that “women like men who take care of themselves.” I’d be lying if I said that was my last.
23. I could eat breakfast at any time of day. My preferred breakfast is a big bowl of cereal topped with soy milk and bananas covered in peanut butter. Or anything from Walker Bros.
24. I’ve been questioned by Egyptian police thrice. The first time they accused me of being drunk after stopping my cab (uhh, tea with mint, anyone?). The second time was in Khan al-Khalili, after I brushed a police officer off, thinking he was just some goober trying to sell me a tacky belly-dancing outfit (or stuffed alligator). The third was two days after the second, and I ended up in one of those dark blue police vehicles sitting in between 4 guys who taunted me as we drove to the police station in Maadi. I bet they would’ve released me sooner if I had shown them photos of me in a balloon hat, huh?
25. My former Arabic teacher, Mariam, rescued me, at midnight. She was my knight in shining headscarf— we both shared a laugh when she walked through the gates of the police station.
26. Now that I am a wedding photographer, I actually enjoy weddings.
27. I haven’t ever lived with just men. It’s always been a mixed group, until now. Some of my fellow Muslims (and even co-Believers) may look down upon that, but I prefer being in mixed company. If I lived with a bunch of women in Damascus, my kitchen in Rukn al-Din wouldn’t have looked like a disaster area.
28. I’m a minimalist for the most part, though I’d prefer to have a computer and digital camera in my life.
29. I’d really like to learn bicycle and car maintenance. Mostly the latter. Could someone teach me?
30. I believe my life is part of one big joke, but the only one to blame is me.
31. Sometimes I wish I went the traditional South Asian-male route, got a degree in a technical or business field and live in the suburbs.
32. Then I realize how much I would hate that existence.
33. I feel like I haven’t been productive in my life. I’m having a quarter life crisis.
34. While most of my life has been about brain work, I really enjoy making things I can touch with my hands. Unfortunately I’ve only had a couple of jobs like that. Of those, my favorite was making and decorating icecream cakes. Whirling that cake plate had a bit of a whirling dervish feel to it, I must say.
35. Toe socks work for about a day, and then they are stifling. Like, “GET THESE THINGS OFF OF MEEEEEE!” stifling.
36. In the very early version of this site, I had a “marriage application,” and I received applications from all over the world. I was 15 back then.
37. You won’t find me wearing anything with a name displayed on it except HijabMan stuff, of course.
38. I watched the ‘Kinsey’ film with family members (I hear you laughing), and it was only mildly uncomfortable.
39. When in doubt of what icecream to eat, I will almost always go for the Chocolate icecream topped with strawberry sauce and whipped cream. Three colors and three flavors. I call it harmony.
40. As a kid (and even as an adult) I would walk into the bathroom at my parents house late at night (making sure the ventilation fan was on) and do a silent comedy routine and/or sermon.
41. When I let things slip past, and things pile up, I get depressed, and put off everything. It’s something I work on.
42. Once I was offered Egyptian Sex at 10 pm walking in shady parts of Cairo. My response? La’ Aiz cartoons bil fus7a No. I want cartoons in Modern Standard Arabic.
43. Sometimes I just can’t help myself— when I hear a nice song, I have to dance, whether I’m sitting down, lounging, or standing up. If I’m in public, I try to hold it in, but when you hold in a smile it almost hurts.
44. My first approach to Islam is “It’s about God, not about marshmallows.”
45. My second approach is “Believe and do Good, because you are working for your own soul, and by working for your own soul, you are working for God, and vice versa.
46. My third approach is part of doing good is prayer, charity, and fasting regularly.
46.5. Get the idea?
47. I’m still working on the formal prayer part in number 46.
48. I was interviewed for Zarqa Nawaz’s documentary, Mosque and Me but I was cut, because I suck .
49. I helped create the documentary “Peace Propaganda And The Promised Land. It’s good, you should watch it.
50. I was once the only male member of Smith College’s MSA. I even participated in their big sister-little sister program, only I was a big brother. My “little sister” was a 7 year old. I found the community of Muslim women to be much more relaxed and welcoming than the group at my large state university. As a result, and after some initial awkwardness, I found myself having about 30 sisters. I also found myself with lots of free food (Thank you Smith college dining services!). Alhamdulillah times three.
51. I dream of visiting Lakshadweep. It is one of the only matrilocal societies in the world. It’s also Muslim.
52. I had a crush on Eponine in the Broadway rendition of Les Miserables. Her name is Jessica Snow-Wilson. I was 10. Maybe she’ll read this and respond. That would be fun.
53. I could get lost in Robert Jordan’s wheel of time series.

54. A few times, I put on a wet suit (which feels super cool by the way) and Scuba dived in the Red Sea. I prefer snorkeling, cause I like swimming with the fishies at the surface.
55. I listened to Bach’s Brandenburgh on repeat when I studied Arabic in Syria.
56. I need a tennis partner that is better than I am. I’m decent. Any takers?
57. I’ve cleaned at least two public toilets. I wouldn’t have had a problem with that, except that I didn’t have a fun toilet brush and an under-the-rim toilet cleaner. (My favorite is toilet duck).
58. The only place I’ve ever gotten sunburn was in Mecca. It was on my head, in a geometric pattern, after wearing a knit cap. Then, a big Yemeni-British man exclaimed, “Bruva, you’ve got-tha United Nashuns on yer head!”
59. The big Yemeni-British man also repeatedly spoke of how his nipple itched.
60. I made some balloon animals for kids in the middle of the desert and they didn’t seem too impressed. Maybe the dog just didn’t go over too well. Remind me to learn how to make the more-likely-halal balloon cats.
61. Shaykh Abdullah Adhami knows me as the shady balloon guy. I don’t mind.
62. I just picked up my high school diploma about 5 months ago. It’s been 6 years since I’ve graduated. I never attended my graduation because I graduated early and walked out one day. My last 5 months of high school I played video games in the library.
63. 6th grade was the first time and the second time I punched someone. The 2nd time the kids name was Freddie Fisher (I know, it’s out of a Wonder Years episode). We were in woodshop and he put my bookbag in the sink. Then, outside, he pulled me down by the bookbag. By this time, a crowd had formed. So as he was busy celebrating, I called out his name and then sucker punched him in the face. That was the end of that.
64. My first job was at a department store where I sold name brand clothing like Ralph Lauren, Nautica, Clairborne, etc. At that job I wore the same suit everyday. By the end, the only thing holding it together was safety pins.
65. A couple of my first customers were two 14 year old girls who wandered out of the women’s department and put about 10 pieces of lacey lingerie on cash register in front of me. After a moment of shock, I quickly threw the stuff in a bag, struggling after wondering how/if to fold the thongs, and how/if to take off the hangers?
66. I went on a 14 day hike/canoe/rockclimb in Northern Maine on an Outward Bound trip. There, I drank beaver poo’ed in water, and spent 2 days alone on my own island. I also “held it” for 6 days, until I couldn’t hold it any longer. Afterwards I was quite comfortable “wiping” with rocks and [smooth] sticks.

67. When the latest Iraq invasion took place, I was in Cairo on the rooftop of a building in Tahrir square watching protesters clash with riot police, throwing rocks between them. It was wild. (See Photo)
68. My first roommate in college was into the drug scene. I made it clear from the beginning however, that I’d prefer that he keep all of that stuff outside. Nevertheless I became quite acquainted with terms like candy flipping, hippie flipping, and how some people drink bottles of cough syrup to get high. There would be nights when he would come home afraid of the world, and then realize 15 minutes later that it was only a hallucination. There were also nights that I was in the company of people doing all sorts of drugs.
69. He looked like the mainstream media’s portrayal of Jesus (peace be upon him). At the same time, I was growing out my hair and beard. One day we came home and we found a bumper sticker on our door. “Honk if you think I’m Jesus.”
70. I attended my first protest at age 16. It was an anti-biotech protest that my sister took me to.
71. The second was the Republic National Convention, where we chanted, “THEY ARRESTED JESUS TOO!” while they dragged protesters away.
72. At one point when I was without air conditioning, I kept flav-o-ice icepops in the freezer and slept with them to keep me cool.
73. There was a time when I biked 10+ miles a day. I miss that time. I prefer living in cities near bodies of water.
74. I took my first women’s studies class as a first-semester 1st year college student. It was a 3rd year level course, and I was the only person of color, the only male, and the only underclass-person. Basically, I was in a room full of white women 2-3 years my senior. The class was titled Historical Construction of Sexuality in the Middle East.
75. The annual “Islam in America” conference at Harvard made me drool. Unfortunately, I think it has been discontinued.
76. I’d really like to learn how to use a pottery wheel, and make bowls and vases. Who wants to give me free lessons? (Update: I took a class, and successfully made a few pieces)
77. I kissed a garage door at age 7 in a mock wedding. No more details available on that one, guys. It’s between me and the doo…. Ahhh nevermind.
78. Funny, somehow I hear the collective laughter from various countries across the world right now.
79. Funnel cake. You make it and, I love you.
80. I credit my father with for feeding my creative side. One day in elementary school, I was supposed to write a poem. He sat in front of the Apple II E computer while I sat crying, frustrated, and he asked me what the butterflies did (THEY FLUTTERED!), what the sun felt like against my skin (MMMM!!!), “What about the clouds, HijabMan?!” It clicked. “OH, so you ask questions, you SHOW not tell… OHH!”
81. On another day, a few years later I realized that the bedtime story my father told us about the two alien kids that visited earth (Ugloo and Pugloo) never changed. It was a disappointing day.
82. I’m convinced my father has supernatural abilities. Here is my list: 1. Knowing the name of the woman he was to marry before he met her. 2. Knowing who my brother was going to marry, before they met. 3. After watching A Beautiful Mind, he began to speak about light and how it acts as a particle and as a wave. Suddenly, all of the lights dimmed in the house for a good 2 seconds. He continued, “And HijabMan, you can think of infinite like this, you have a hotel room with an unlimited amount of rooms and they are all full. If another person wants a room, is there enough room for that person?” The lights dimmed again. “Beta (term of endearment), I swear, I didn’t do that.” “Stay grounded,” was his advice that night. The lights never dimmed again.
83. I live for using a squeegee on car windshields, and tile floors.
84. Violin music. I love violin music. Solos.
85. When I did something bad as a child, my dad would joke that he would sell me to the gypsies. I imagined a grocery store, and me being taken away in a shopping cart by women wearing head wraps like the one Yasmine wears.
84. During the Leonid meteor shower of 2002, I convinced a few people, including AzamHussain to take a taxi out to the Pyramids (I was in Cairo) and ride horses in the middle of the night while watching the meteors streak across the sky. Of course, I chickened out when push came to shove, and while AzamHussain felt like some sort of Afghan warrior riding a horse at full gallop around the pyramids , I laid on the roof of a nearby house next to the pyramids, watching the Leonids in solitude. Lesson: Do Not Fear Those Not Worthy Of Fear.
85. “Beta, maybe you should work out more, so you don’t get jumped in Cairo.” -My Mother
86. I’ve sneaked into medical school gross anatomy labs and looked at human insides. I had always been fascinated by anatomy.
87. I’ve dissected a mink, a sheep brain, a heart, a sheep’s eye, and other things like that.
88. Fresh mozzarella = happiness. I’m a cheese man.
89. I used to work in a patisserie. The word “Batard” still makes me laugh.
90. To the international socialist organization: I don’t want your newspaper. And I ain’t paying no solidarity price either.
91. It was my first time opening the Ben and Jerry’s icecream store near the Upenn campus. My coworker was a no-show, and on this particular day, about 40 prospective students in a tour group waited patiently until I opened the door. Of course, they all wanted smoothies. 40 Smoothies, one person, 2 blenders. Not bad. Then, after making my first smoothie, I noticed that there is a live mouse in the sink in plain view of the students. I covered said mouse with one of the blender tops, and said a prayer, because I was about to dump a large quantity of sorbet and cold water on it. Now I only had one blender, and every time I cleaned one blender out, I swished water around it, and had to throw it in the sink, on the mouse. After the students left, I locked the door, uncovered the mouse, and saw it barely shivering. Oppression is worse than death, the Qur’an confirms it, so in the name of God, I picked up the little mouse with wax paper, threw it in a plastic bag, and with one stomp, it was gone.
92. I jumped off a 25 foot cliff into water. There was a moment when I stopped going forward and began falling. I don’t need to ever do that again.
93. I refuse to have a big, South Asian uncle-belly. I will work for the 6 pack.

94. While trying to hitchhike with two women wearing headscarves, one woman stopped just to take pictures, many laughed, and the forest ranger offered some really dumb advice.
95. We hitchhiked twice that day.
96. I will not apologize for the fact that my favorite genre of film is the romantic comedy.
97. I also understand that I have now lost the few male friends I once had.
98. While planning a trip to Toronto, I emailed everyone I knew to find a place to crash. I have family in Toronto, but I’ve often found that I prefer strangers to family. So a woman belonging to an e-mail list (who recently ran for a government post in Canada) emailed me with the number of one of her female friends. I had no idea who this woman was, if she was married, what she was like, etc. I ended up ringing her doorbell with a box of ferrer rocher chocolates, and within a day or so I became part of the family: scrabble in the living room, helping to install their garage door opener, and hanging with their 3-4 year old. They are now some of my favorite people in the world. Love to H., M. and the Little M.! And extra love to I, for taking a risk and introducing me. If you like adventure and like making new friends, I highly suggest you try doing the same.
99. If you do a domain whois on hijabman.com you get “Yusef Ahmad.”
100. Muhammad Asad’s translation of the Qur’an is my favorite.
101. I really want a room in my house that looks like Jeannie’s bottle, or at least that is just cushions
102. At the local YMCA, I took swimming lessons and was able to get up to the “flying fish” level, but not able to get to the “Shark” level, because I didn’t do flips in the water. Flying fish are just as fishy as sharks. They are just a different species.
103. I am still not at peace, but I know exactly how to get to peace. It’s just a matter of walking the talk. I’ve always run away from challenges/been lazy. Okay, that isn’t true. It was a challenge to make this web site, a challenge to succeed with the HijabMan business, but to me, those were easy.
104. I once skipped a rock 16 times.
105. About three years ago, I walked outside to a sky full of gray and brown clouds in Northampton, Massachusetts and sincerely believed that it was Judgment Day. And my heart sank.
106. A group of GLBT Muslims AND Jews asked me to lead in them in prayer. So I did. Yes, and the Jews prayed like the Muslims.
107. Ive talked to straight Muslim men about hair removal methods. And then we decided we needed to do something more manly, so we went to the shooting range.
108. I asked my mother to star in a spoof of a Prescription Drug commercial that I shot. She danced in the backyard, then clutched her heart and pretended to die under my direction. Thanks Mom.
109. I appeared in an issue of Emel Magazine out of the UK.
110. I have a new appreciation for the combination of cottage cheese and fruit.
111. Hard wood floors make me happy. Easy to clean, and they look nice.
112. I was offered a job teaching sexual education to Muslim kids in Baltimore. Twice. You see, at this point, there is still a lot of turnover at full-time Muslim schools. The former principal didn’t keep a record that he offered me a job, and so the present principal called me, and offered me another job.
113. Thank you to all of the people who let me shower in their hotel rooms at various Muslim conferences. I kind of enjoy sleeping in my car.
114. I love the sound of doors opening and closing when I’m in the Muir woods. There aren’t any doors, just lots of huge redwood trees and wind.
115. I’ve lived with tall, gay, white men who played Dance Dance Revolution in orange shorts, people who drank bottles of Robitussin to get high, black people, white people, a middle-aged white woman who would drink champagne in a fancy glass on the weekend, gay people, polyamorous people, women, men, a French guy who believed listening to music is forbidden by religious law but sang old Ace of Base songs offkey, people who don’t speak English, a Turkish guy who believed the Prophet told him to buy a sword, a horse, and a bunch of staffs and ride to Yemen, a German who biked from Germany to Damascus, a guy from the Ivory Coast who only spoke French that accused me of being a Shi’a pretending to be Sunni, a single father and his daughter, people who don’t mind being naked in front of me, those who would sumo wrestle me in the hallway, a pierced and tattooed Muslim bmx biker, a pro-Iraq war convert to Islam, Jews, Christians, Atheists, computer geeks, marine biologists, and my sister.
116. I’ve been told I was a Sign of the Day of Judgment by a British-Pakistani man in Syria. I’m not sure what to say about that.
117. I’m fascinated by knives. When I was a teenager, I used to watch home shopping network at 2 AM when they had the knife show on.
118. I’m also fascinated with being in and jumping off of overcrowded, moving buses in developing countries. The last time was in Syria. I jumped off into the street, and rolled to a stop. No bones broken, just a little blood.
119. I want to take ballroom dancing lessons, and learn how to salsa.
120. I’m not one to covet possessions, but if I had to name my favorite thing? It would be my Hand-held bidet. (i.e. the Muslim shower). Second favorite thing? Label Printer.
121. I used to make my own lemonade at work because I like staying away from high fructose corn syrup.
122. My favorite 2 kids are my nieces Aisha & Ameera. My 2nd favorite two kids are ICUBaji’s son and daughter, ZP and AP. My 3rd favorite two kids are my friend Jasmina’s kids.
123. One winter, while riding bikes near the Andes mountains, one of my female travel companions complained that it was so cold that she was unable to feel her hands. I told her to stick her hands down her pants. She was good in no-time.
124. When I was 15, during hiking trip in Maine, I was taught that sticking your hands down your pants or under your armpits is a great way to warm them up.
125. I have appeared in the NYTimes
126. I’ll be freshening up my web site soon.
127. A robot does my vacuuming for me.
128. Being a geeky kid, I was often looking up stuff in a full set of encyclopedia britannica (1987). One day, at the age of 13, I looked at one of the volumes that ranges from the words Menage to Ottawa. I said it again to myself. Menage – Ottawa. MenageOttawa. Ménage à Trois. HA!
129. I can recite all of the 50 US States in alphabetical order.
130. I can twist my pinky finger 180 degrees. clockwise. Nevermind. I’m getting stiff in my old age. Make that 170.
131. I got a note from my healthcare company at age 18 welcoming me to the papcheck program, and reminding me that I need my breasts examined. I am, and always have been male. I’ve never seen my mother laugh so hard.
132. One of my favorite things about Argentina was giving/receiving kisses on both cheeks when greeting people, men and women. Even in a mosque after Friday prayer.
133. Favorite mosque ever: Noor Cultural Centre of Toronto
134. 2nd Favorite mosque ever: The mosque in Mendoza Argentina, also called “Noor.” The imam is a cute Egyptian man who fully embraces all the cheek-kisses.
135. At the last wedding I photographed, the bride said, “Javed, I feel like you are part of my family.” And my heart danced. And I would’ve danced too, if I wasn’t still taking photos.
136. Photography is something I am independently motivated to do, and I could sit for hours, editing photographs. Especially weddings. They are like a real-life romantic comedy.
137. I wear flip flops in the winter time.
138. When tired, I refer to South Asian wedding food in those aluminum trays as “leaky shit.”
139. I have a habit of calling people, “goober.”
140. I have probably seen every movie that Hugh Grant and John Cusack have starred in and can do a pretty good brit impression from Notting Hill.
141. People often mistake me for a middle-aged woman on the phone
142. And that one just scared most eligible women away.
143. In my 1st year of university, I would get a bartender on my floor to put half a shot of vodka in my cokes just to see what it was like to drink. Eventually, one day, I decided to figure out what all the fuss was about. I wondered if it would make me more social. That night I had 5 or 6 drinks, spread throughout the evening. I wrote down everything that happened in my head. (Let me know if you want to know what I wrote) My conclusion? Drinking alcohol, for me, was a short term solution to my long term problem of social anxiety. Instead, I decided to work on my confidence.
144. I derive great pleasure from cracking all the joints in my hands.
145. I love the face people make when, with a large balloon hat on, I greet them.
146. I would love to own and run an organic farm, and eat from it, and not have to buy food.
147. My average bowling score ranges from 120-140, but I think I could do better.
148. Me, My Web Site, Or My Booth At ISNA are directly responsible for the marriages of about 3 couples. One as far away as South Africa.
149. I’d rather have daughters than sons. Every Friday at the Umayyad mosque, I counted about 10 fathers alone with their daughters, praying next to them. All of them seemed to have a great time.
150. I really live for being squashed while standing in a bus in Cairo or Damascus. It’s my favorite [cheapest] transportation. I live more for giving up my seat to an older woman so she’ll smile with me. If I’m ever sad, all I need to do is ride a crowded bus there and smile with an old lady—then everything in my world is okay again.
151. I walked up Mount Sinai hoping for the 11th commandment. The 11th commandment never came, but I did get to walk down the Mount with one of my favorite people on earth.
152. I prayed behind Dr. Amina Wadud. Funny thing is, I’ve prayed behind a number of women before that— even in Egypt.
153. I’ve met Joe Biden, Dennis Ross, Noam Chomsky, Fatima Mernissi, Leila Ahmed, Nawal El Sadaawi, George Soros, the Egyptian Olympic synchronized swim team… and countless others at universities, conferences, or through work. The only one I became completely starstruck by was Fatima Mernissi. I babbled like an idiot.
154. My products have appeared on Comedy Central’s Colbert Report. I have not.
155. I traveled to a beach called ‘Ageeba’ near the city of Marsa Matruh, Egypt to see the sunrise— during the sunrise, I turned to my travel companion, ‘Abduh, and told him I wished he was a beautiful woman. As I recall, he wished the same of me. Hahaha

156. Speaking of sunrises, I also watched the sunrise over a plateau in the New White Desert, near the Bahariya oasis. No wild life could be seen. Then, out of nowhere, two birds circled me and then settled on a nearby rock. They watched the sunrise together before flying off. (see photo)
157. I’ve never smoked cigarettes or pot. Though I find the smell of someone smoking pot kind of nice. The smell would waft through my West Philadelphia apartment as well as my college dorm room @ UMass.
158. I will be a Registered Nurse in a two years.
159. I’ve only had a blood blister once in my life, and it happened just a few short weeks ago when a set of weights dropped on my left big toe.
160. One of my mother’s brothers married my dad’s sisters. Meaning, I have cousins who look more like siblings.
161. I have 60 first cousins.
162. “ Beta, are you huffing? Your bathroom smells funny and you act weird.” – My mom, when I was 16, after reading an article in the newspaper.
163. As soon as I have some free time and possibly an adventurous wifey, I’m going to travel the world by freighter ship.
164. My sister has dreamed of me getting shot in the back.
165. I don’t have any problem with going to the movie theatre alone. As long as I get to buy an extra large blue slurpee.
166. My friend Amira inspired me to make cheesecakes (and other baked goods) and walk/drive them over to neighbors houses— just to be neighborly.
167. When I was in high school, I admired from afar the people who could excel in a number of different areas— from athletics to theatre. I made it my mission to be a jack-of-all-trades from that point on.
168. It is because of this that I can make three kinds of origami flowers, twist balloon animals, make/decorate ice-cream cakes, bake from scratch, take pretty decent photographs, and fix your computer, among other things.
169. Ramadan doesn’t feel like Ramadan to me, unless it’s snowing out. Those are my memories of Ramadan as a kid. Chowing down after four hours of sledding.
170. The time of day that I feel most creative and most productive happens from 1 AM to 4 AM. Unfortunately, I am usually asleep during that time.
171. My parents and I took a ride with an illegal immigrant in Saudi Arabia named Mazhar. He disconnected the spedometer on a rental car and used it as a taxi. We got stopped at a checkpoint, but were let go. I was 12.
172. I have been inside the airports of Zurich, Paris, Frankfurt, and Vienna but have never stepped foot on European soil.
173. The last time I got a shot in my backside was three years ago, in Damascus.
174. I used to have hair so long it almost reached my elbows. Random women would touch it in elevators, and tell me how beautiful it was. In my head I thought, “It’s genetic, you can’t have any.”
175. I chopped it off with the help of my roommate during the end of my 2nd year of University.
176. I intended to give it to locks of love, but I’m afraid it may still be in a box in my parents basement.
177. I haven’t seen Emily White for a number of years now, but she remains one of my favorite people on earth.
178. While I listen to music while cleaning and driving, it isn’t a huge part of my life. That being said, I can listen to anything from angry heavy metal to lovey dovey country, classical to old-school South Asian.
179. My mother is the whole reason the HijabMan shirts exist. “Beta, why don’t you go sell some shirts, since you going to ISNA?”
“Mom, can I borrow $1200.00?”
180. background: my mother has brought jewelry from Pakistan for my non-existent wife in the past, and my sister has insisted on wearing it… Sister, Brother-in-law, Me in car

Sister: So yeah mom brought some jewelry back for…
Me: My wife?
Sister: No!
Brother-in-law: For my wife
Me: Hey, you’ve worn my non-existent wife’s jewelry before.
Sister: Oh yeah, is your non-existent wife offended?
Me: Yeah, as a matter of fact, she’s told me she’s about to challenge you to a cage match.
Sister: Was she wearing leather as a part of your little fantasy too, HijabMan?

Sister 1. Me 0.
181. When my mother is given bio-data’s of eligible women by aunties who hope to marry me off, my mother hands the bio-data’s back. For this reason alone, I love my mother.
182. During spring and summer months, I like to take naps outside on benches. Sleeping outside is one of my favorite things to do.
183. At the age of 6, I kept asking my dad to take off the training wheels from my bike. When he didn’t do it, I walked down to the garage, found a wrench, and took them off myself.
184. My first neighborhood friend was named Brian Davis.
185. My dad makes corny jokes about a (nonexistent) Swedish woman named Olga. He has done so for almost two decades. I think it started with a restaurant in Oxford Valley Mall called “Olga’s Kitchen.”
186. My first kiss on the cheek? Age 7. Near the swings.
187. In Chicago, I’ve felt my mustache freeze. A peculiar feeling.
188. My birthday was held every year at Core Creek Park, up until my teenage years. The most I ever made at a birthday party was $280.00.
189. Once, when Brian Davis was over, my parents made me leave the room during the movie, “Adventures in Babysitting.” It was the scene where the gang members told the character played by Elisabeth Shue not to “F*ck with the Lords Of Hell.”
190. Elisabeth Shue responded, “Don’t F*ck with the babysitter.”
191. I used to watch 6-7 hours of television a day. In those 6-7 hours per day, I memorized dozens of television show theme songs. My favorite was “Bosom Buddies.” The song? Billy Joel – My Life.
192. The first time I logged on to the internet was 13 years ago with a 28.8 dial-up modem. The ISP was Prodigy.
193. I made my first web page at 14.
194. The internet was a lifesaver for me, a teenager in the suburbs with no means of transportation, and no Muslim community outside of my extended family. I used to Instant Message every single Muslim I found on AOL, MSN, IRC.
195. My mom used to let me get a doughnut every time we went grocery shopping together. I’d finish it before we got to the checkout. We’d always pay for it, of course. I still think grocery store doughnuts taste better than Dunkin Donuts with one exception that has been discontinued.
196. The most peaceful place I’ve ever been in was a red cross homeless shelter at age 16.
197. I think books full of Jim Henson and Muppet quotes do a better job teaching Islam than anything I’ve read by ‘scholars’ of the religion, including Hamza Yusuf.
198. I can see myself as the owner of a cafe with a space for performances.
199. Chances are, I can beat you in a game of table tennis.
200. I’d rather eat organic/hormone-free/free-range than what is traditionally referred to as ‘halal.’
201. I have several female friends who lead double lives because of they don’t want to upset their conservative parents. This manifests itself when they tell their parents that I am a girl named “Javeria.”
202. I love sliding down sand dunes. See first image. :)

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1. xinu at 3 March 09 :: #

   Because I am procrastinating on my homework like crazy and I don’t have much of a life, I actually read all 202 things on here.

   Three comments I’d like to make:

   1) Hardwood floors are wonderful but cleaning them without a robot vacuum (which I imagine doesn’t blow dust into the air as traditional vacuums do) is HARD. Have you tried manually sweeping and then Swiffering 1200 sq ft of floor over two storeys? It’s not fun! That being said, I am intrigued by the Dyson vacuum, except my husband forbids me from buying it because the Dyson guy annoys him. Sigh.

   2) I love encyclopedias too! When I was 4 or 5, and Madonna was big, I pestered my mom and older sister to tell me what a virgin was, because I didn’t understand what “Like a Virgin” meant. When they shooed me away with looks of horror, I looked it up in the children’s encyclopedia we had and was baffled by the reference to rainforests and an equally complex word called ‘intercourse’ whose definition was nowhere to be found in the encyclopedia, at which point I gave up trying to find logic in Madonna.

   3) Javeria? That’s just hilarious.

   I really ought to use my time more productively.

2. sogul at 3 March 09 :: #

   Thanks for making my day! This was an awesome, hilarious read! I think I will return to this page again when I need a bit cheering up, ‘cuz some of the points are quite amusing

3. Faith at 3 March 09 :: #

   56. I need a tennis partner that is better than I am. I’m decent. Any takers?

   How decent are you? :)

4. HijabMan at 3 March 09 :: #

   Xinu: This WAS productive ;)

   Sogul: No charge, buddy.

   Faith: I can get the ball over the net, though i haven’t picked up a tennis racket since undergrad.

   I have two rackets in my closet…

5. TheGoriWife at 4 March 09 :: #

   I read every single one (and I’m jealous of #152.)

6. Asmaa at 4 March 09 :: #

   #203: I have the ability to make random strangers read personal information about me for endless amounts of time.

   Seriously, I don’t think I should have been reading this during work hours. But there is something mildly perverse and voyeuristically entertaining about it all. You have led a sufficiently interesting life, I must say.