Why Isn't HijabMan Married Yet? Part Two Of The Muslim Marriage Monster. Rawr!

by HijabMan :: posted 7 September 08

“Why is it that we always speak in terms of rules instead of what would be beautiful? Do we worship a God of rules or a God of beauty? I understand the beauty of marriage or the truth of marriage, but the rules of marriage I cannot absorb. And, is a husband who is a Pakistani and a doctor part of the rules or part of the beauty or part of the truth?” – Khaled Abou El Fadl***

This is another part of an ongoing discussion on marriage within the American Muslim community. See Part 1 and some commentary here.

“you’re great with kids, you live an amazing life (with traveling and all), you’re always happy, you’re kind and sweet.. but one question. how are you not married yet?” -blog comment

IS THAT A PROPOSAL?

Hahaha. Yasminay suggested that I answer that way. She made me do it. Swear.

My goal with this post is to show the other side of the Muslim marriage crisis. I should say, before I begin, that I still believe that the majority of the blame lies with men. Okay, fine. Their socialization and their privilege, too. Says Shabana Mir:

Muslim men alone aren’t at fault, but their socialization and their privilege (and the consequences) are.

In this society, gender dynamics and roles have changed over time. That we all know to be true. Many men no longer need a wife who cooks, cleans, and so on. Many women no longer need a man to support them. I, for instance, can cook and clean myself. As we speak, a robot is vacuuming my whole apartment. No joke.

What I am looking for is a partner. What follows is a description of three hurdles I’ve faced when looking for a partner.

But HijabMan, doesn’t Islam say that men have to be the breadwinners and stuff?

First, “Islam” doesn’t say anything. People say and interpret things. Islamic law is dynamic, fluid. And it contains a whole spectrum of opinions.

In my own reading of the Qur’an, the principles that rise off the page when it comes to marriage seem to say this: each partner should use all the resources they have been blessed with to contribute to marriage emotionally, financially, physically and otherwise. How those duties are split up depends on that particular couple.

In my case, I’m not a big fan of traditional gender roles. I’d actually like a career-minded wife. And she should expect that in addition to my own career, I’d do my fair share of cooking, taking care of the house, and rearing the kids. I want a partner in an egalitarian marriage, where everything is ours— none of this yours and mine business. I am not interested in being a father-figure husband.

I’m quite liberal when it comes to my approach to religion. I also consider myself practicing. Unfortunately, the tongue-in-cheek name ‘hijabman’ which I chose at the age of 14, attracts some pretty conservative women— women who are of the “Islam says this…” variety. I just couldn’t deal with a black-and-white/haraam-halaal/punishment-reward approach to religion. I need someone who sees that most of life is one big gray area— an unknown. Someone who takes the steeper path and struggles with being at peace with the unknown. That is hurdle number one. Where do you find Muslims who haven’t bought into the mainstream?

Money is another complicating factor. (NYTimes) I had a conversation the other day with a woman who has a very prestigious degree from an even more prestigious school. I described to her a saintly man, pious, respectful, funny, and even handsome. (I have high standards)

Her first question? “But can he support a family?”

This woman could make 100-300K a year. Easy. And yet she still, as many do, reinforce the idea (with her first and only question) that all that men are good for is money.

This is just one reason why many Muslim men are dating non-Muslim women. Sure, they don’t have to jump through all of the cultural hoops of marrying a South-Asian or Arab woman. But more relevant to this point: non-Muslim women seem to be interested in being our partners.

To further this point, allow me to quote a good friend of mine who is a lawyer. After hearing me vent about this, she readily admits to being wooed by the standard of living that our parents generation has now, after a lifetime’s worth of work,

“....we are used to a ridiculous McMansion/Lexus standard. It’s REALLY hard. I worry about myself – and how easily I am drawn to that. Even though I know it’s irrational.”

A young male blogger responds with an anecdote of his own, regarding the above quote:

Man, I really identify with this comment. I was hanging out with so much family last week that I came back hating middle class ideology.

I kept thinking that some traditional families can afford to stay immersed in traditional roles only because of certain privileges.
For instance, my aunts, both smart young women no more than 5 to 10 years older than me are stay at home moms living in McMansions and whatnot because their husbands can maintain that status and I kept thinking, ‘of course y’all believe in traditional gender roles!’

The way I think about it is this: Beliefs are not so much coded by religion alone as by certain class and culture positions.

My undergraduate degree is in the areas of Psychology, Middle Eastern Studies, and Women’s Studies. I currently make a modest income doing technical support for a small office in Pennsylvania. I also run a business. I make more than enough to save, travel, and enjoy my life while living below my means. I am not a doctor, I am not an engineer, and I am most definitely not interested in prestige. What I am interested in is making a positive mark on the world while doing what I love. Some people just don’t get that. Therein lies hurdle number two.

To provide a specific example, I was briefly engaged to a woman at one point in my life. $50,000 was suggested by her family during discussions surrounding the mahr. The mahr is something (tangible or intangible) that the groom promises the bride in the Islamic marriage contract. Needless to say, that number was quite a shock to me. In mine, as in many families, we exchange rings for the mahr. It is seen as a token of love. Speaking of family, I think we’ve stumbled upon hurdle number three!

Another good female friend of mine is just getting introduced to the South Asian Muslim meat-market. Her parents have hired an “Auntie” to filter all of the men she meets. The only acceptable ones seem to be ‘established professionals.’ That is usually code for old, balding doctors and engineers with personalities like brick walls.

In this case, it may be that it isn’t my friend who cares about the guy’s paycheck— just her parents. But a woman (or man) who isn’t willing to stand up to their parents is doomed. I just want so much to say to her and all young Muslim men and women, “Cut the umbilical cord!” From obsessions over skin color to profession and nationality, parents and their ridiculous need to direct the marriages of their kids have made finding a spouse go from challenging to near impossible for some. Thankfully, I’ve been blessed with parents who are supportive of the decisions that I make. I’d like to find a woman who is independent and can stand up for herself.

So now you all know the three major hurdles that I need to clear while looking for a spouse. I’d like an independent thinker with a principled approach to the Qur’an who shudders when she hears the word ‘suburbs.’ Hahaha. And just as I would appreciate the whole of what she has to offer, if she understood and genuinely liked what I have to offer, well, that would be pretty badass. Oh, and it helps if she is cute, too.

P.s. This post is dedicated to Sumaira, a South-Asian woman married to an African-American man. When an auntie of hers praised God that her child was ‘light skinned,’ Sumaira promptly put the woman in her place, and threatened a beating if that woman ever mentioned her son’s skin tone again.

***Mandatory Reading For This Post:

A chapter titled, “A State Between Two States” in Khaled Abou El Fadl’s “Conference Of The Books.” You can read the chapter here. Tell me what you think.

The Key To Wedded Bliss? Money Matters (NYTIMES)

Noor at 7 September 08 :: #

Great article.

Basically, numerous South Asian Muslims try to religio-coat their superficial egotistical ideals of what should be in a spouse, or anything basically.

People who have their parents burping them and changing their diapers even at the age of 25 are obviously not prepared for a life commitment like marriage when you come together in a holy union to reflect on sacred and beautiful bond, a bond which is supposed to remind one of their creator, creation, and their return.

This is why, people who go for ego-appealing things end up in divorce.

But, people have to go through this journey, not so easily in some departments, than in others to polish up internally, so people make various decisions…

I think people who are spiritually ready for it, should pray that they find their true spiritual partners beautifully despite the ugliness that the world tries to impose on them.
Rubayya at 7 September 08 :: #

that’s brave of you to draw from personal experience. but i bet what you went through is something highly relatable. there are few families that i can think of with standards lower than that, in one way or another. im glad i have awhile before i have to deal with all this personally!
Emilie at 7 September 08 :: #

Can you please open a school for Muslim men? Seriously. :)
Freckles at 7 September 08 :: #

Some of these problems aren’t exclusive to the Muslim community, but we sure as heck take it to a whole other level. Especially here in the South, it seems like people get married far too young and still rely on their parents for everything. Regardless of one’s cultural or religious background, if you don’t know who you are apart from your parents and if you allow yourself to be so easily swayed by your family’s opinions, you’re probably not ready for marriage. Marriage isn’t just the big fancy party, lots of sex, and a McMansion. Marriage is a profound commitment to another person on all levels, and you have to know yourself before you can possibly expect another person to know you that deeply.

What separates us from other groups is (in my observation) the gross materialism and superficiality with which so many Muslims (women and men) approach marriage. I like to think that you get what you marry for, and nothing more. Phrased another way, “Be careful what you wish for: You just might get it.” Women shouldn’t expect men to be an ATM with legs and yet also fulfill all of their desires and dreams. Somehow, though, many aren’t getting the message. Our parents worked for many years to accomplish what they did, and yet so many people think those sorts of blessings just fall into your lap at 26 (or 30 or whenever). If we focus too much on what a potential spouse doesn’t have, we fail to acknowledge the many ways in which we all have been blessed.

Cultural hangups plus the upbringing of my generation (entitled, coddled, and immature) makes me wonder what things will look like 30 years from now when our children set out to marry. It will be interesting!
Sarah at 7 September 08 :: #

1. Sumaira – you rock! Talk about badass!

2. Emilie – I second your suggestion, seriously. Let’s raise funds for Javed to become Headmaster of the “Undoing the Damage” Academy. I’m sure we can get government funding, this is in their best interest too. We can work on the name…No Muslim Man Left Behind?… Help for the Hypermasculine?… ;) Javed, we’ll get you a nice whip too…just kidding :)

3. Freckles – agreed. People definitely don’t know themselves well enough these days before they get married. Unfortunately the desire to get laid surpasses all else and makes Muslims rush into marriage.

4. Javed – what can I say? I have no doubt you’ll find ur perfect someone inshallah. I believe in you

By the way, “cut the umbilical cord!” – I LOVE that line, so true!
Jameelah Shukri at 7 September 08 :: #

You know what is bleak, that this article to some may be out of the realm of normalcy. Perhaps it is my racial and social economic background that makes me understand all the things you have pointed out or more importantly ppl truly do not comprehend the concept of finding someone who when you look at them from across the room they are your reflection (bc they embody moral, spirituality, and passion), your strength, sometimes your weakness, your guidance, your mentor, your equal, your comfort where you can breveal your vulnerability, your inspiration, and your completion. See in my world where I wear stunna shades issues of race/ethnicity and 6 figure incomes doesn’t exist. It’s more about substance, understanding, and leaving your mark on this world by doing what makes you get up every morning.

Javed you know my thoughts on this entire issue, I wrote about it in my blog, same story different ways of executing the interpretation. Though I must admit it is rare for me to hear a brother rant about issues of marriage while not describing some sheikha, Stepford wife, looking playboy mate, it is refreshing to know that there can be some hope for sisters whose purpose to life is simply more than being the shadow of a man but a respected figure.

I wish I could boast by saying I know countless single sisters who embodied these characteristic but I know no more than five fingers on my hand.

I must stop myself bc oh I could go on and on in regards to the topic of our lives…marriage
md girl at 7 September 08 :: #

hmm,
i wouldnt call that a proposal, but more of a “omg-why-arent-you-in-my-life” post
:)
Jameelah Shukri at 7 September 08 :: #

Hey Real quick so I am gathering this article is geared towards immigrant Muslims, bc ur opening u reference to the ongoing discussion on marriage within the first generation American Muslim community. For some Muslims in America they are the 2nd and 3rd… For me on my mom side I am the 3rd generation and on my dad’s I am first…my point is these issues are still very much relevant to those who are 2nd and 3rd in many ways as well as they are dealing with these 1st generation Muslims.
fathima at 8 September 08 :: #

tell me more about this robot
salma at 8 September 08 :: #

a “state between two states”...
that was beautiful, but slightly out of grasp for my understanding. is he talking of fanaa’? it doesn’t seem like it… between god-consciousness and the mundane… but if a non-dualistic sufi approach is introduced in theory anywhere, this is where i get stuck… in the pathway to that, or when it seems like two contradictory concepts (there’s that dualism again!) are talked of as the same thing…? i have flashes of understanding sometimes, but not right now. thanks for posting the article, though, it’s some nice food for thought during ramadan…

i really want to see one of those robots in action. do they really work? thats kind of amazing.

and on a side note good grief these salaries are astounding… my friends and i are all lower level organizers in the labor movement right now and i tend to forget people can make that much money
HijabMan at 8 September 08 :: #

Salma: He’s talking about being a good, God-conscious human being/partner :)

Fathima/Salma: Its a roomba. Youtube it.

Sarah/Emilie: Who wants to be in a class full of men? Hahaha
Mariam at 8 September 08 :: #

Extremely well-said! As an old maid by Iranian standards (I’m a whopping 26 years old), I nodded through every paragraph.

I’d like to think that in a generation or two, people will become more accepting of marriages outside of the traditional confines that they were raised with. There’s always hope. :)
stupidAuntie at 8 September 08 :: #

Salam and Ramadan Mubarak :-)
Why hurry? It sounds that the woman suite for you got to be pretty mature to be sure what she want (in terms of what person herself want to be, what life she wants to have and what kind of man she wants in her life) and understand what you can offer and can stand up to family pressure. I guess if you give yourself several more years, she will be at your door step. I mean it, I think there is a good chance she will find you. For this girl, the most important thing is whether you understand what kind of person she is striving to be and be supportive.
salma at 8 September 08 :: #

“He’s talking about being a good, God-conscious human being/partner”

oh. well when he references conference of the birds it confuses me. tasawwuf sounds so pretty but i think i keep making the mistake of trying to understand it with my brain instead of just internalizing it. note to self.
Jameelah Shukri at 8 September 08 :: #

I read the section from Khaled Abou El Fadl, hmm many feelings were arisen when I read this chapter. The title of the book is very fitting, sometimes we miss the true beauty of God, but yet when we find the aesthetic of God we began to see life in a different way, it doesn’t necessarily become more clear but ort hearts began to feel a since of ease. This section of the book is really something I needed to read for countless reason, my life for the pass few years I would say has been complete chaos until recently when I realized how detached I was from Allah, how I would pray salat like a robot but my heart was sealed and recently so much has happened and I am starting to feel Allah’s glory within me, I can’t explain it but my heart understands. I love the way this traveler (as I shall call them) is in an evergoing metamorphosis state and constantly searching for an attainment closer to their creator and yet within their own journey they still are able to transcend the bounty of Allah to that person’s understanding, where they are not talking down to the person but more so conversing with that person…

Something about this statement blows my mind even as simple as it is, which makes me think that sometimes we over look the simplicity of things.

“Serenity & tranquility…are not entitlements of life, they are divine blessings and gifts.”
Willow at 8 September 08 :: #

Three words: marry a convert. Most of us find astronomical mahr as insulting to our true worth as it is to yours. Our families will not insist that you have an MD or a PhD attached to the end of your name. Most of us were raised in households where tasks and financial responsibilities were split up more or less equally between husband and wife.

Shall I start looking? Seriously, I volunteer as your unofficial Yenta. With all these articles about how impossible it is for educated Muslim women to find mates, it is both baffling and absurd that a guy like you remains unmarried.
HijabMan at 8 September 08 :: #

Willow: Hahaha I love that you used the words baffling AND absurd in your comment. And it is true, converts seem to be the way to go :)

stupidAuntie: I’m not necessarily in a hurry, I just thought I’d tell my story, since some people keep asking.

Mariam: SO good to hear from you, i miss seeing all the culinary delights on your blog, am adding it and willow’s now!

Peace.
H at 9 September 08 :: #

uncomfy:

you invoke ramadan and yet you make threats towards me. I have all of your IP addresses logged from the university and your house, and have forwarded them to the network administrator of your university. You see, the great thing is with IP addresses, I can tell you exactly where you are, when you are.

And your university’s code of conduct does not take kindly to threats made from their network. I quote:

Respectful Exchange of Ideas and Information

Computer systems and networks allow for a free exchange of ideas and information. This exchange serves to enhance learning, teaching, critical thinking and research. While the constitutional right of free speech applies to communication in all forms, we encourage civil and respectful discourse. University policy and local, state and federal law do prohibit some forms of communication, to include:

* obscenity * defamation * advocacy directed to incite or produce lawless action * threats of violence * disruption of the academic environment * harassment based on sex, race, disability or other protected status * anonymous or repeated messages designed to annoy, abuse or torment

Please refrain from reading this blog, commenting, or using your university/comcast network to make threats towards me. Your service providers, like I said, have all been notified.
And I know exactly who you are. You could have just shared your opinion, but you decided to go the extra step and make threats. Not cool.
adnan. at 9 September 08 :: #

it’s only been mentioned once before, so let me say it again: THAT IS NOT A PROPOSAL.

A proposal would be something like, “will you marry me?”.
Even, “I want to marry you.” is not a proposal. It is merely a statement in the same way, “I want some cheese” is a statement.

“I propose a marriage between us”, can be considered a proposal.
“how are you not married yet?” cannot be considered a proposal by the person asking the question in the same way, “why don’t you have children yet?” cannot be considered an invitation to bear children with the person asking the question.

having said that, why don’t you have children yet?
Jawad at 10 September 08 :: #

If a man with your kindness, beauty and wisdom can not score at the rishta game, then maybe the game is not worth playing. 3 questions: (rishta=desi marriage connection)

1. Next time a non-Mulsim woman wants to be your partner, why dont you accept her as a gift from a loving God?

2. Is it possible that you came across a Muslim woman who was free of these hangups, and you offered her friendship instead of marriage, hoping “something” would eventually happen? Its better to propose and be rejected that not propose at all. Imam Jordan once said in a Nike commercial “you miss 100% of the shots you dont take.”

3. What’s with the picture? Is that the Ikea suburb you hope to avoid, or is it some bohemian home that you hope to fill?

And thank you for putting yourself out there so honestly.
HijabMan at 10 September 08 :: #

happy: i never said i was considering non Muslim women, just stating a fact that many Muslim men do, because they don’t want to deal with the cultural hangups of Muslims. Thank you for your comment.

Jawad: 1. Just not interested.

2. I’m pretty upfront about when I’m interested in someone.

3. It is part of my apartment :) And don’t knock ikea. mmm. lingonberry juice.
OmarG at 10 September 08 :: #

Perfect, Hijabman. I, too think in terms of a partnership yet I keep running up against women who want me to “lead” them to Jannah. I, on the other hand, want to go to Jannah with my wife (whom I’ve not found yet, cough cough). When I say this, even liberally minded Muslim women start to see me as soft, something that my military background gives the lie to.
OmarG at 10 September 08 :: #

Wait, if most of us are basically saying the same thing about marrige, why aren’t any of us getting together, eh?
RJay at 11 September 08 :: #

I’m so not working to day … spending the day reading ur blog (referred by my sister) i would first like to introduce myself egyptian girl living in Alexandria egypt and have lived in kuwait and Scotland during my childhood then came back to live in egypt i would just like to say i love reading about muslims in the west (converts / muslim born)it’s just so interesting (and extremely ironic) reading ur posts u pretty much have the same “social” problems we have when it comes to marriage …u have two paths to choose from the “materialistic marriage path” and the “love-used to-date-behind my parents back marriage” (i hope putting everything in quotes isn’t annoying heheh) anyways it is extremely confusing when u reach an age (i’m 24) and the whole family and community is expecting u to b married and producing babies (and by the way i’m quite late i’m the only one in my family who hasnt produced a child except of course for my 16 year old cousin)but ur not meeting anyone that u click with i don’t care how much money he makes i don’t care what he looks like (as long as i like what he looks like) all i care about is someone who will take care of me emotionally and has a minimal knowledge,understanding and is practicing Islam (by minimal i mean at least prays ,fasts and believes he should try to incorporate morals by Islamic standards into his life)HOWEVER and this is the hard part for every Muslim female regardless of her zip code her parents have certain expectations like being well to do or hehe a doctor(i cracked up when u say the doctor thing coz my mom always tells me she wants me to marry a doctor ) and he has a big apartment and a nice car and a good job with a promising career and his parents are really nice and classy (these are the egyptian standards if it’s any consolation same problems u guys have) it’ so damn hard which path to choose what society wants or what my heart wants since my heart has done the choosing before (formerly engaged) and he turned out to be a nightmare fiancee

I’ve thought about this so many times should i just marry any guy and not love him but have the picture perfect life (according to egyptian standards) or wait out for the imperfect quirky guy who makes me feel like he can make time stop just for me

Mmmmm unfortunately i havent found the latter due to the fact that most egyptian men need an attitude adjustment and to cut their umbilical cords heheh we have that problem too

So to conclude this long crazy comment I would like to invite all Muslims living in the west to visit the Arab world to find a wife
WHY?

1-with the dollar rate even if u pay a big mahr it’s nothing in dollars (hehe just kidding)
2-Men here are quite full of themselves for no reason i can understand so most of uus would be extremely impressed with any guy who can speak english fluently let alone has a degree or a job
3-It would extremely annoy ur mothers

Ok i was just kidding (no really) i think we should just relax our standards a bit and really think of marriage as building a home not being socially acceptable and just really getting to know the ppl we’re being set up with / meeting by coincidence (cough set-up) and seeing if we would like to spend the rest of our lives with
Salaam
Mozzarella at 11 September 08 :: #

I am loving reading your latest posts on muslim marriage. I’ve recently been thrown into the cattle market myself and I’m only 20.
Guh. I say that as if I didn’t accept it.
No instead, I suggested it. I’ve heard, read, seen how hard it is for people to find people these days. And I’m just terrified.

I’ve been hit with a bout of singles’ desperation.

I don’t know how to go about commenting on your blog posts, ie. where to begin when the whole marriage debacle is such a tangle.

Mahr: I agree with the exchanging of rings as a mahr. It’s a gift from the husband to the wife, and within his financial means. That’s what I see it as it should be. Astronomical mahrs don’t really make sense to me.
Traditional roles however, in part, do. I am a believer in traditional roles. But this is purely because of personal observations in my own family.
By this, I don’t mean every woman should stay at home and cook and clean while the husband should go out and work all day. I think an equal balance is good. But when I say I believe in traditional roles, I’m one of those fogies who want my man to be able to take care of me…whatever that means. It’s my Disney mindset I tell you.
Speaking of mindsets?! GUH! Trying to find someone with a similar mindset to you is a nightmare!! Meeting someone you are mentally compatible with as well as religiously? And you know what I mean by religiously.

And then being attracted to them?!

I personally am not attracted to guys from ‘my land’ (I’ll refer to as SnapLand) so I am well up for mixing things up. But then the other day my mum turns to me and says, ‘You should marry a good established boy from SnapLand’. I look shocked needless to say. She says she’s not telling me I have to marry a Snap, but it would be easier on me. I tell her, I would rather take things harder for someone I love, than have it ‘easy’ to commit to the norm.
She says, ‘Well you’re gonna have to look for yourself then’
I say, ‘Damn Jiggy’.
Then I wonder how I actually will go about ‘looking’.

Community?! WHAT COMMUNITY? There’s the cultural community, which Im sure everyone is familiar with, aunty-jis rolling out the ‘soo have you started looking?’, and 5 years later ‘she must have a boyfriend, not married yet’.

What do I do hijabman? I don’t know where I’m going with this comment.
I just went off on my own sporadic, arbitrary, nonsensical rant.

It’s not even relevant to your post anymore.
Jawad at 13 September 08 :: #

Hijabman oversimplified: There are two types of candidates: 1 want partnership; 2 want McMasion

I imagine HM exposed to a very large number of beautiful and empowered Muslim women. The problem is:

a. This assumption is not true
b. They are mostly type 2 candidates, in spite of appearances.
c. The problem lies in interactions with pool 1. Undisclosed filtering criteria?

There has got to be a science :)
inal at 13 September 08 :: #

Your article reflects my conversations with my husband- yes I do have actual conversations with the man other than cooking, cleaning, who did what for the kids, etc.
We share, we analyze, we re-group and come up with a decision…getting there was not easy. I am a Moorish Muslimah born in America – he is Yemeni born on the high mountains of Ibb. Talk about culture disparities! But because in essence we were the same deep down; we had habits, opinions and goals that to our respective families seemed either odd or out of place- but to us were normal..so we got married…arranged? Yes, but the arranger had no idea what Allah had decreed for the moment. And I say for the moment because I honestly think that whatever the person’s intentions and plans were; Allah was the Best of Planners.

Life is so much simpler when we come to it on equal footing, shared goals and aspirations…the dishes sure get done with less hiccups. And the garbage gets thrown out with nominal retention.

Thanks Hijabman, to know that I can count my husband as one of the normal ones is a breath of fresh air.
Salaam at 13 September 08 :: #

Salaam,
I hate to come off like an economic determinist, but in America, Muslims are not immune from the economic structure that society forces onto the middle-class family. Right now, the average middle-class household maintains itself by having both adults work full-time jobs and contribute to the family finances. Consequently, cultural values that the husband is going to take financial care of the family—or that the wife’s money is “her own” such that it’s a great transgression or shame for her to contribute—have to be exploded.

Yes, many Muslims are wealthier than the American mean, but every generation will see some children follow their passion and talents into a less-financially rewarding career. And the theory that the more generations in the US, the more diffuse the economic choices made, seems sound too. As soon as Muslims start falling out of the MD/PHD salary range, the expectation that the man will meet financial needs 100% percent becomes a delusion, unattainable, and a likely source of marital dysfunction.
Layla at 14 September 08 :: #

Salams! Loving the series.
I have a question- as a young muslim girl in her first year of university I am already being met with advice on serious relationships and marriage by my mother and only Khala. The key message they relay to me is,
“ Do not get too overly friendly with a man, it will end up with you in a sticky situation. Come to us if you find a boy- but do not promise him anything. Find a man who is older than you and can support you. The point of marriage is being comfortable in your life- so you’re better off with someone who is going to make money! you don’t want to struggle!’
conversely, they also give me the message that I need to pursue my own dreams, graduate with a masters, and have a career.
Without realizing it, I had been nearly brainwashed by this thinking! Any Muslim man that came to me out of interest or whatever- I asked what type of career he was pursuing and measuring up in my head whether or not that would make my parents happy.
After reading the two parts, I did a double-take. What was wrong with me?!
First- I do not plan to get married in the next 6 months (let alone the next three years!), and secondly shouldn’t a marriage be founded on (and I’m loathe to say such a typical phrase) love- in that you and your potential partner are comfortable and happy with one another?
A great local Imam once told our class, that if you run into a marriage issue knowing you have done nothing accept fundamental Islamic beliefs and the only reason why you’re meeting resistance against your parents is because your spouse is a different race, isn’t financially equal to you etc then..just go with it. They will come around!
So my question to you is, ‘Are parents always right? Especially when it comes to marriage?’
I love and respect my parents and don’t want to do anything to harm them- but they are (especially my Father) extremely strict. Stating that when I marry, I must marry a Pakistani- but not any Pakistani he must be Punjabi and of the same caste as us (whatever that is- I couldn’t honestly care less).
Now the best muslim man I’ve ever met in my life is a revert to Islam, though I barely know him now I can tell that he is miles better than any ‘suitable Punjabi’ I’ve met. Inshallah, one day if I get to know him better I might consider him my my future husband, as of right now I don’t know. Though I have a strong conviction in my heart that if I am too marry it’ll be my choice on my terms and MY MAN. (he has a say too :D)
-Z
p.s. Hijabman, you are definetly a basis for me to compare men by- I know I don’t want to marry someone like my father, and I’d consider you- But I’m a little young.
KufiGirl at 15 September 08 :: #

Hey, why the hating on “old, balding doctors and engineers with personalities like brick walls”? They need love, too, you know! :-D
HijabMan at 15 September 08 :: #

RJay: I miss Alexandria/ Cairo so much! Email me and tell me what you are doing out there? And, although the exchange rate is tempting… hahaha

Jawad: A top secret science. BWAHAHAHA

Inal: Whats a normal one ;)

Salaam: Agreed.

Layla: Glad to see you here! tried email you but it didn’t work. wanted to send you something. Good luck with that convert ;)

peace!
Jala at 16 September 08 :: #

“First, ‘Islam’ doesn’t say anything. People say and interpret things. Islamic law is dynamic, fluid. And it contains a whole spectrum of opinions.”

I could not agree more with this. I have tried so many times to explain this to people, but they always look at me like I’m nuts.

Greetings from the Philippines!
Layla at 20 September 08 :: #

Salumlaikum Hijabman, Layla again. I changed my email- see if you can send me the email again.
Jazakallah

Welcome! This site serves two main purposes: to entertain and educate the Believing and curious community, and to generate a bit of cash—God willing. But there’s a lot more about HijabMan.

Why Isn't HijabMan Married Yet? Part Two Of The Muslim Marriage Monster. Rawr!

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