Social Anxiety And Shirk

I have an issue with social anxiety/shyness. Sometimes that anxiety helps to keep me home at night. In my college years, I made a conscious effort to "fix" things with some social situation work-arounds. I should give you context though.

I was privileged enough to attend an Outward Bound trip immediately after turning 15 before starting the 10th grade. I flew to Maine by myself to spend 14 days with 11 strangers hiking, canoeing, and rock climbing on and around the Appalachian trail. Being forced to communicate and work with people my own age was quite frightening for me. One of the things that always bothered me was pronouncing my name: Javed. No one ever got it, so I used an easy, well-known name. Apu. [Rudimentary] Method One: Create a character, Use an accent, Mimic someone else.

‍When I think back, it's funny, but at the time, mimicking a character and speaking in a South Asian accent gave me the little confidence I needed to function socially. After it was all over, the two counselors described my performance as exemplary, but suggested that I should've used my real name. I think of that experience as the catalyst for my becoming more socially "okay." I continued chatting on-line upon my return, but also began to speak with on-line friends on the phone, even handing the phone off to my mother. My first internet visitors came soon after that.

I like to think of it as graduating from a rather rudimentary form of communication (chatting) to higher forms (phone and eventually in-person). In October of my first year in college in Amherst, Massachusetts, I saw a flyer for a trip to the World March of Women 2000 in Washington, DC. On the way to the first meeting, I turned around a couple times and and almost went home. I knew I would regret it, so I tried my best to turn off the voice in my head, and forced myself into that room full of women. Method 2: Just jump in. It's the scariest method of all.

‍After a few successful times diving into the deep end, one finds that those five minutes of awkward always turn into feelings of joy, elation, fulfillment, and friendship. This was no exception. I spent 10 hours in a van with those women and they made me feel right at home.Two years later, before I left for Cairo, I was given a list of 200 e-mail addresses of my co-Study Abroad people. Without thinking I quickly made a yahoogroups list with those 200 email addresses. Upon my arrival in Egypt I found that I had 200 instant friends. I didn't know anything about Egypt at the time, but found myself being the go-to guy for a bunch of things. In short, that gave me a purpose. If I have some sort of duty in regards to myself or someone else, I find it easier, because I'm not thinking of the social situation, I'm thinking of getting the job done. Method 4*: Make yourself well-known before the interaction takes place.

‍Besides these more difficult methods, I also take "baby steps."

For instance, Baby Step 1: I like to arrive 30 minutes before gatherings, so I'm settled in, and others have to approach me. In that way, I don't have to make the first move. Baby Step 2: Give yourself a job. Mine is usually the unofficial photographer. Baby Step 3: Lines. I have certain "lines" I use. For instance, the first people I usually approach at a gathering are people who are working. Last night, at my sister's wedding, I approached the lone guy serving juice behind a bar. He saw me approach and smiled, as is his job. He made that first move, and so the pressure was off. So, I used a line, "You're all alone over here, thought I'd keep you company." He chuckled, as is his job, and continued the conversation. It's the kind of short, sweet interaction I need to get my blood flowing.

For me, if someone makes that first move, a seemingly insignifcant smile, I am able to respond. It gives me a bit of an adrenaline boost, I feel good about myself and it serves to carry me to the next conversation.

‍Baby Step 4: The buddy. A few years back my brother wondered why I was so unhappy attending my cousin's wedding. One of the things I explained to him was how it is very much a "couples" scene. He has a wife. If I had a buddy, someone I am truly comfortable with next to me, they help me branch out. Baby Step 5: I have something I like to call a "hero-complex." As a child riding the school bus, I would imagine the bus tipping over and plans to save certain people. If I'm in a gathering, and I see someone that looks bored or uncomfortable, I become the "hero" and try to include them, and my Aamir-Khan-Bollywood-Dreams come true.

Last night, it was as simple as saying, "Hey X, come sit over here." Remember the "Lines?" There you go. It's all coming together now. Beyond the actual interaction, people often ask me about content. How can you be so open? I'll let you in on a little secret: If I share the same thing once it's a bit scary. If I keep sharing that one thing, it's easy. So it's easy to talk about my experience with depression as a teen; easy to speak of the duality of existence between my parents home and the outside while growing up; easy to speak of those times I did something stupid, because 1. I feel it's my duty to share (even my faults) and hope that someone learns from them (See Autobiography of Malcolm X), and 2. It's like with anything you "practice." If you share something enough times, you are more comfortable and at peace with those things. It's still hard for me to speak about social anxiety. But this is the beginning of my practice. Soon I'll have phone conversations asking people if they ever feel the same.

Looks like I've gone through most of my major and baby methods. But there is one that I intentionally left out; the Method-That-Trumps-Them-All: taqwa

‍If I keep in mind the concept of taqwa, or "God-consciousness," I understand that there is nothing worthy of fear except God. Fear of social interaction, the future, a missed opportunity, becomes a clear form of shirk, or associating a partner with God.Let me explain that further. If nothing is worthy of fear except God, and I am fearing social interaction, I am implying that social interaction is worthy of fear. And therefore associating an attribute of God with something insignificant.This seems to be why when I'm spiritually not in the best of spirits, I'm less socially inclined as well.

Do you have certain methods to get over shyness? Share.